The Fellowship Of Insanity
by radishesandspectraspects
Summary: Join the Fellowship as they drive each other crazy on their mission to destroy the One Ring. And making sure that Merry doesn't eat it.
1. The Fellowship of Insanity

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings**

**The Fellowship Of Insanity**

"May the council of Elrond begin." ordered no other than Elrond himself.

"Why is the council named after you?" asked Frodo.

"Because I'm so frickin' awesome!" Elrond said.

"Hey! That's my line!" whined Legolas, "I want a lawsuit!"

" Sit down you confounded elf!" yelled an extremely grumpy Gimli.

Legolas sat down, pouting like a five year old. Then he looked directly at Gimli and gave a not-so-manly shriek.

" What is it Legolas?" asked a very confused Aragorn. Legolas was curled up in a ball and rocking back and forth on his chair. Eventually, another Mirkwood elf answered for him.

" He's terrified of facial hair." whispered the elf to Aragorn.

" Oh." said Aragorn before erupting into very girly giggles.

" Too continue..." started Elrond.

" I LIKE TRAINS!" screamed Boromir.

Akward silence.

" Okay then," said Elrond, "As I was saying..."

" Good Things Grow, In Ontario!" sang Sam.

Everyone looked at him.

" Hey!" said Elrond, " You weren't invited to the council!"

Sam shrugged and sat down in a chair.

" So what if I wasn't invited, Pippin and Merry weren't invited either."

" Merry and Pippin?" said Elrond, slowly turning around until he was face-to-face with the two hobbits who were apparently hiding behind his chair.

" Hello!" said Pippin with a big grin on his face.

Elrond shrieked and fell off his chair.

" Yey! We get the big chair!" squealed Merry and Pippin. They preceded to sit down on Elrond's chair.

" Merry and Pippin get down from there!" yelled Gandalf in a really frightening authoritative voice.

Merry and Pippin squealed in fright and sat down beside Sam.

Frodo looked at Gandalf in admiration. "How did you do that Gandalf?" he asked, eyes wide with curiosity.

" Easy," Gandalf replied, "All you have to do is squeeze your buttocks together when you talk, it makes you sound more authoritative."

Unfortunately, when Frodo tried, he ended up sounding like a hamster that's being thrown repetitively against a wall.

"Okay then," said Gandalf, "While Elrond has his little nap, I guess I'll take over the council from here."

"Oooh! Oooh!" said Pippin with his hand in the air.

" Sigh, yes Pippin?" Gandalf asked.

" Can we have naps too?" asked Pippin eagerly.

" Please do." replied Gandalf, rubbing his temple.

" Yes!" said Pippin while doing a little fist bump in the air. He then preceded to crash onto Gandalf's lap.

" Crap." swore Gandalf as Pippin started to snore.

" Butterflies!" screeched Boromir.

" I'm hungry." stated Merry. He grabbed the One Ring off the table and swallowed it in one big gulp.

" Merry!" screamed Gandalf and Frodo. Frodo picked up Merry and started to shake him.

" Spit it out! Spit it out!" he cried desperately.

Merry then spat it out full force at Legolas' eye.

" Owwwie!" screamed Legolas. The ring then fell onto the ground and rolled towards Aragorn's feet. He turned to Arwen.

" Arwen, will you marry me?" he said, holding up the One Ring.

Sam sniffled, "That's so sweet."

" Aragorn!" yelled Gandalf, "You can't frickin' propose with the One Ring! And when the hell did Arwen get here?!"

Arwen beamed. "I came in to ask Daddy if he will get me Justin Bieber tickets for me and my friends."

Arwen turned to Elrond and gave him a sharp kick in the stomach. Elrond woke up with a start.

" Daddy!" whined Arwen, "Can you pwease get me Justin Bieber tickets for me and my friends?"

Elrond looked at her in annoyance.

" No." he said.

" But daddy why?" asked Arwen.

" Because he's an idiot who can't sing and wears frickin' make-up, that's why!" explained Elrond.

" OMG! You are a horrible daddy!" spased Arwen, and stormed out of the room.

Elrond turned to Aragorn. "Now do you see why I wanted to ship her off to the Grey Havens as fast as possible?"

Aragorn snapped out of his daydream of capturing Jigglypuff in his Pokemon game. "What?"

Elrond face-palmed himself.

" So, what about the ring?" asked Frodo.

" I say we frickin' chuck it at Sauron, thus knocking him out, and then we loot him." said Aragorn, obviously pleased with his smarticle particles.

" Nah," said Boromir, "I say we make Merry eat it again, that was funny."

Elrond looked at Boromir in alarm. "He did what?!"

" I think we should just go to Mordor and chuck the ring into the massive volcanoe-thing." stated Frodo.

Everyone looked at him, obviously impressed.

" Good idea Frodo." praised Elrond, "I don't know why none of us thought of that before."

"That's because you all are as stupid as hell." muttered Frodo under his breath.

"So, who will take the ring to Mordor?" asked Elrond.

" I volunteer Frodo!" declared Merry.

" Merry!" exclaimed Frodo.

Merry shrugged, " It was your idea, so you should do it."

" Boromir's dad is a frickin' pyromaniac!" yelled Sam for no apparent reason.

" So, it is decided," Elrond said, "Frodo will go to Mordor and chuck the ring into the frickin' volcano of doom."

" Stop frickin' saying frickin'!" yelled a very stressed out Gandalf, waking Pippin up in the process.

" Grandpa." Pippin said sleepily.

" Frodo shouldn't go alone." said Sam, "I think Pippin should go with him."

" Merry should go!" shouted Pippin.

" Boromir should go!"

"Aragorn should go!"

" Legolas should go!"

" Man with scary beard should go and die."

" The really fat hobbit should go!"

" Ninja wizard man should go!"

Gandalf looked at Sam strangely. "My name is Gandalf."

"Gesundheit." said Sam.

" So, it has been decided," declared Elrond, "You shall be The Fellowship Of Insanity."

" CHEESECAKE!" screamed Pippin.

**Soooo, did you like it? Did I blow up your brain yet? Mwahahahahaha!**


	2. Where Are We Going?

**Thank you for such a wonderful response for my first chapter! I don't think any of my stories have ever gotten that many reviews in the first 24 hours! You people are amazing! Oh, and to answer the question from our dear Guest, I am exactly 13 and a half.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings.**

Where Are We Going?

The Fellowship had been walking for days now, and apparently Pippin was still hyper from his last piece of cake he had last week.

"If my nose could sing a song, it would whistle all night long!" Pippin sang for the third time that morning.

" PERIGRIN TOOK SHUT THE HELL UP OR I SWEAR WE WILL CHUCK YOU INTO MOUNT DOOM ALONG WITH THE RING!" yelled an obviously pissed off Gandalf.

Pippin immediately shut up and looked down at his feet. He leaned over to Merry.

"Merry, do you think my foot hair looks curlier than usual?"

Merry retched and stumbled into Gimli, who tripped and fell flat on his face.

"Ha! Sucker!" laughed Legolas.

Gimli picked up a chunk of dirt and chucked it at Legolas' hair.

"Ahhh!" cried a horrified Legolas, "My perfect Pantene shampooed hair!"

"Stop." ordered Gandalf and he pointed to a stone structure in the distance, "We will rest there."

"What?! Where?" asked Pippin eagerly.

"Right in front of you stupid." said Merry.

"Oh there!" Pippin said as he finally spotted it.

"It's only a model." whispered Sam.

"I don't wanna walk any more." whined Aragorn. "Frodo carry me." Aragorn flopped down and Frodo managed to catch him without collapsing under his weight.

" How ironic is this?" muttered Frodo. "I have to carry the One Ring AND the future king."

"Awwww," pouted Boromir, "But I wanted to wear shiny crown."

"Boromir, do you just like shiny stuff?" asked Frodo.

"SHINY!" screamed Boromir in glee.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'."

"Sigh, I miss Rosie." said Sam.

" Suck it up Sam." replied Merry. "We all miss eating the rose bushes in Rivendell, now suck it up and keep walking."

"You did WHAT?!" cried Gandalf.

"Don't worry Grandpa." said Pippin while patting Gandalf on the back, "We're almost across the street."

"I don't wanna get married! I wanna stay single forever and let my hair blow in the wind, firing arrows into the sunset." cried Boromir.

Everyone looked at him, with 'Wtf?' written all over their faces.

Then Pippin started to sing again.

"Here's a llama, there's a llama, and another little llama, fuzzy llama, funny llama, llama,llama, DUCK!"

Gandalf groaned.

Finally, they reached the stone structure just as Pippin was in the middle of singing about his past life as a treehouse.

"Well, we're here." said Gandalf wearily.

"Thank goodness!" said Frodo, and he dropped Aragorn onto a particularly sharp rock.

"Yey!" squealed Legolas. "I wanna order pizza!"

"No! You cannot order pizza! You're out in the middle of nowhere for goodness sake! There's no pizza place around for miles!"

"Ooh! Ooh!" said Pippin while jumping up and down, who apparently didn't hear a word Gandalf said. "Can we get stuffed crust?"

"Ooooo, stuffed crust." said the rest of the Fellowship, minus Gandalf of course.

"No!" bellowed Gandalf.

"I found a cell-phone!" cried Aragorn.

"Uhhh, Aragorn?" said Frodo, "That's a rock."

Aragorn looked at it and shrugged before biting a huge chunk out of it.

"So, I was thinking," said Gimli, "How about we go through the Mines of Moria? My cousin Balin will have pizza at his place for sure."

"But I wanted to get pizza from Rohan!" whined Boromir.

"Hey, what does that sign say?" asked Frodo, who was squinting and pointing to a large bill-board sign attached to the top of a big snowy mountain.

"It says, 'Pizza Here!'." replied Sam.

"So, there must be pizza at the top of the mountain!" said Merry excitedly. "Gandalf you've got to take us there!"

"Hey, what's that?" said Legolas, pointing to a black cloud in the distance.

"Legolas, everyone knows that hay is for horses." said Gimli.

"I don't see anything." said Aragorn. "Maybe Legolas needs glasses."

"Look who's talking." muttered Legolas. "Man with stupid beard thinks Legolas needs glasses, then LEGOLAS SMASH HIM!"

Aragorn screamed and hid behind Sam, which wasn't a very good hiding spot.

"Uhh, guys?" said Frodo. "The cloud is moving this way."

"What is it Gandalf?" squeaked Pippin.

"Oh, it's, ummm, it's Crebain from Dunland! Hide!" replied Gandalf.

Pippin screamed and everyone ran and hid. Gandalf just sat, chuckling to himself as the pack of harmless flies buzzed past.

"Can we come out now?" asked Pippin tentatively.

Gandalf stretched and folded his arms behind his head. "Not yet."

"I have to pee." whispered Sam.

Gandalf sighed. "Fine, you can come out now."

The Fellowship crawled out from their hiding places.

"How come you didn't hide, Gandalf?" asked Merry.

"Because he's a frickin' ninja wizard." explained Boromir. "He could just kick those Crebain-things' behinds with some of his ninja moves."

Pippin looked at Boromir in confusion. "I thought that Gandalf was Santy Claus."

"He is." said Aragorn. "Why do you think there are elves in Middle-Earth?"

Legolas stared at Aragorn in horror.

"Nu uh." he said, shaking his head quickly side-to-side. "We elves would never work for anyone with evil beards. Never!"

"Wait, aren't you cousins with a house elf named Dobby." asked Merry.

"No, I'm pretty sure that Dobby is Gollum's cousin." argued Pippin.

"Legolas!" screamed Merry.

"Gollum!" screamed Pippin.

"Legolas!"

"Gollum!"

"Legolas!"

"Gollum!"

"SHUT UP!" yelled Gandalf. "We are going to take the pass of Pizza Mountain to get our order of 17 boxes of pepperoni and double cheese pizzas."

Everyone quieted down.

" I'm hungry." said Pippin.


	3. Are We There Yet?

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord Of The Rings. If I did, why the hell would I be writing stories on Fan-Fiction?**

Are We There Yet?

The cold wind blew harsh against the faces of the Fellowship as they climbed to their pizza. Everyone had long since lost feeling in their toes, and the only sound that could be heard over the wind was the sound of Pippin's tummy rumbling.

" I'm cold!" said Aragorn.

" Join the club." grumbled Gandalf.

" Ooo, there's a club?" asked Aragorn.

" It's a figure of speech." explained Gandalf.

" I'm a member of the Chess Club, the Eco-Club, the 'I Like Cheese' club..." said Aragorn, who hadn't been listening to a word Gandalf said.

" You're a member of the Eco- Club?" asked Legolas curiously.

" Yep. We turn on all the lights before we leave the room and put all of our pop cans into the garbage."

" That's not eco-friendly!" screamed Legolas, "Haven't you ever heard of recycling?!"

" What's that?" asked Aragorn, "Some type of elf dance?"

" Grrrrr." growled Legolas, glaring daggers at Aragorn.

" Hey, it's not my fault you're married to a tree."

" Can we sing a road song?" asked Merry.

" No!" screamed Gandalf.

" When I'm on the road..." began Merry.

Gandalf groaned.

After about 5 rounds of singing "The Road Song", Gandalf had had enough.

" How about we play a game." he suggested through gritted teeth.

" Good idea!" said Pippin, "I'll start."

He squinted and looked around.

" I spy with my hobbit eyes, something that is white."

" Er, Pippin?" said Frodo. "Everything looks white."

" Correct!" said Pippin.

Suddenly a deep voice pierced the air.

" Trollololo, trollololo!" it said.

Pippin clutched onto Gandalf's robes. "What is that Gandalf?"

Gandalf looked ahead with a grim look on his face. "Saurumon's trolling again."

No one knew what the hell Gandalf was talking about, so they just kept walking. Or in Legolas' case, floating.

" How soon am I defying gravity!" sang Legolas as he hovered above the ground.

" Blasted elfs." muttered Gimli.

" I'm bored!" said Boromir.

" Boromir!" cried Gimli in shock, "I didn't know you changed your name to 'Bored'omir! Crap, I'm so cold I can't even come up with a good insult!"

" Now you're just somebody that I used to know!" sang Pippin shrilly.

Suddenly, the mountain started to shake and a big pile of snow crashed down on top of Pippin.

" I'm okay!" he called, his voice muffled by the snow.

" Yay! Let's make a snowman!" cried the hobbits. They then began frolicking around in the snow, Aragorn joining them to make a few snow angels.

When Pippin finally got himself out of the snow, he walked over to Gandalf.

" Gandalf," he said, tugging on Gandalf's robe, "I have to go to the bathroom."

Gandalf sighed, "I told you to go at our last stop."

" But I didn't have to go then."

" Fine, build yourself a snow toilet or something and go there."

Pippin nodded and walked began a large pile of snow.

" Gandalf! How do you spell 'Pippin'?"

Gandalf face-palmed himself.

Meanwhile, Sam was boring Gimli with a long lecture about potatoes.

" They're very useful in cooking you know." said Sam, "You can boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in stews..."

" And chuck them at people!" yelled Aragorn.

To demonstrate, Aragorn bent down, scooped up a handful of snow, and chucked it in the direction of Isengard.

Saurumon was drawing in a breath to start another round of trolling, when a snowball came hurtling at his face and knocked him off his tower.

" Nice aim, Aragorn!" praised Legolas who, being an elf, saw Saurumon getting hit with the snowball.

" Who did I kill?!" asked Aragorn with a vicious look in his eye.

" Saurumon." answered Legolas.

The hobbits did a fist-pump. "No one's going to steal our pizza now!"

" I don't think he was trying to steal our pizza," said Frodo, "I think he was after the cheese-bread."

They walked along in silence for a while after that, but with every silence, there is always one who will break it. In this case that person was always Pippin.

" Gandalf." he whispered softly. Gandalf didn't answer.

" Gandalf." he said a little louder. Still no answer.

" GANDALF!" screamed Pippin, causing Gandalf to jump in surprise and trip on a snow bank. He got up and whirled around, chunks of snow lodged in his beard.

" What?" he asked menacingly.

" Ummm, I forget." said Pippin.

Gandalf turned back to the front.

" Oh yeah!" said Pippin, suddenly remembering.

" What?" asked Gandalf again.

" My nose keeps tickling my feet, tell it to stop!"

Gandalf looked at Pippin in annoyance.

" For one thing, it is impossible for your nose to be tickling your feet and for another thing, why don't you tell it to stop yourself?!"

Pippin looked at Gandalf sadly. "I can't or else my nose will run."

Gandalf granted himself his second face-palm of the day and said, "If all of your lives didn't depend on my guidance, I would have jumped off this damn mountain ages ago."

" Oooo, then could I get your horse?" said Aragorn.

" Hey! Why would you get the horse?!" said Legolas.

" I'd just want his staff." said Boromir, "It's shiny."

" Well, no ones getting my stuff because I'm not going to jump off the mountain." said Gandalf.

" Awwww."

Pippin tugged on Gandalf's robe. "Are we there yet?"

"No." answered Gandalf.

"Are we there now?"

"No!"

"Are we there now?"

" Peregrin Took! If you even bothered to look in front of you, you would see that we are indeed there." said Gandalf.

" Woah!" gasped Pippin.

Layed out in front of them were golden pizza boxes stacked up to about the height of Gandalf's nose, all giving off a delightful smell. The Fellowship gave a loud cheer and ran foreward. Suddenly, nine black shapes swooped down and grabbed all of the pizza boxes in one big net.

" Suckers!" the riders of the beasts yelled as they carried away the delicious pizzas.

" Noooooooooooo!" screamed the Fellowship.

" Now what?" said Frodo.

Gandalf sighed.

"Now, we order from Moria." he said.

Boromir flipped open his phone.

"Koodo!" the hobbits yelled in unison with the cellphone.


	4. Of Diet Coke And Riddles

**Wow! I can't believe how many views this story has gotten! Y'all are amazing! To our dear "Anonymous", I'd love to hear your ideas and I tend to update every one or two days. I've got three projects due next week so bear with me if I update later than usual.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord Of The Rings. I also do not own Harry Potter, Big Bang Theory (show), Charlie The Unicorn... Heck I don't own anything you recognize.**

Of Diet Coke And Riddles

The trek back down the mountain was quick, because they were now walk with the wind instead of against it and because everyone practically rolled down.

" Weee!" shrieked Pippin as he rolled over a snowbank and crashed into Merry.

" Yippeekiyay!" hollered Aragorn.

" Aragorn!" yelled Frodo. "Being a ranger in Middle Earth does NOT mean that you live on the range!"

" It does in Texas!" argued Aragorn.

" Have you ever BEEN to Texas?!" asked Frodo.

" No but I've eaten at the Lone Star!"

Now it was Frodo's turn to face-palm.

"Oof!" exclaimed Sam.

Frodo turned around just in time to see that Sam, while rolling down the mountain, had accidentally rammed straight into Gandalf, sending them both tumbling into a particularly large rock.

" Are you okay!" asked Frodo in a panicked tone.

" Yeah, I'm fine." answered Sam, "The world is spinning too fast, tell it to stop."

Frodo rolled his eyes.

" How about you Gandalf?"

Gandalf sat up, a dreamy expression on his face.

" Dumbledore dies." stated Gandalf.

Boromir looked up from reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

" Thanks a lot Gandalf!" he said in a pissed off tone.

Frodo stared at Gandalf, a horrified expression on his face.

" Oh no! Gandalf has gone insane!" screamed Frodo.

Pippin ran over excitedly. "Really?"

" Yep." said Frodo sadly, "Now I'm the only sane one left."

" Cool." said Pippin. "Hey! Gandalf! What's your favourite colour?"

" Banana." said Gandalf.

Pippin did a fist-pump in the air. "Yes! Come on Gandalf, you and I are going to be the bestest of friends."

Frodo groaned. "Crap."

Legolas stared at his cellphone and shreiked.

"I'm the new cover-girl!" he announced to the rest of the Fellowship.

Everyone stared at him before erupting into a fit of giggles.

" Oh my Valar! Can't breath!" laughed Aragorn.

" Don't you have to be a girl to be a cover-girl?" asked Frodo in confusion.

" Apparently Legolas was close enough." said Gimli.

" Hey!" argued Legolas, "I am NOT a girl, nor do I look like one."

" Denial!" whispered Aragorn loud enough for everyone to hear.

Legolas huffed and stormed off.

The Fellowship laughed and talked for a while before they arrived at the entrance to Moria. Gimli started knocking on the walls to try to find the entrance, while everyone else just stood there, staring at the lake in front of them.

" Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Merry.

" Beach Party!" the Fellowship yelled in unison.

Everyone ran and grabbed beach balls and lawn chairs out of Bill the pony's saddle bags and began to set up.

Gimli looked at them in annoyance. "Guys!"

Everyone turned to Gimli.

" No beach party." he said.

" Awwww."

" Good, now come help me find the entrance."

The rest of the Fellowship ran over and started knocking on the walls.

Knock, knock, "Penny." Knock, knock, "Penny." Knock, knock...

"Pippin!" screamed Gimli, "Stop that!"

" I was dropped on my head when I was a baby." said Pippin.

" We kind-of figured that." said Gimli.

" Hey guys! I think I found it!" said Frodo while pointing to a spot on the wall.

" Good job Frodo!" praised Gimli, "Now all we need is night to fall and..."

Suddenly, the bright sun disappeared and the full moon and stars appeared in the sky. When the light hit the spot on the wall, a door appeared lined in silver.

" Well, that was convenient." said Frodo.

" Who ever said 'Every cloud has a silver lining' was probably talking about doors." said Merry.

" There appears to be a riddle sketched into the door." said Boromir, leaning foreward to get a better look. "Oh wait, it just says "Bob the orc was here", nothing important."

"So, how do we get in?" asked Sam.

" I say we use that tree over there as a battering ram!" said Aragorn.

Legolas looked at him in horror. "You should be kicked out of the eco-club for suggesting something like that!"

" You idiots! There IS a riddle sketched into the door!" yelled Frodo, pointing to some words carved into the top of the door. "It says, 'Speak friend and enter."

" Okay. Frodo, since you're the one who found the riddle, we'll leave you to figure it out while we go do...something else." said Merry.

" Hey!" said Frodo.

" Good try Frodo, but I don't think that 'Hey!' is the answer to the riddle." said Pippin as he patted Frodo on the back.

Frodo let out a sigh of frustration and got to work figuring out the riddle.

" Don't worry Frodo, I'll help you." said Aragorn.

Frodo smiled and turned back to the door. Aragorn took one look at the riddle, then gave up and decided to check his Face-book.

Meanwhile, Boromir noticed Merry sneak over and grab something out of Bill's saddle bags. Merry then handed one to Pippin and one to Gandalf.

Boromir strolled over, "Whatcha got there?".

Merry looked at Boromir. "Can you keep a secret?"

Boromir narrowed his eyes, "Sure."

Merry leaned over to him, "That there is Diet Coke."

Boromir looked at him in confusion. "Why is that a secret."

" Have you ever seen Pippin after Diet Coke?"

" I can't say I have."

" Well," said Merry, "He gets, well, more hyper than usual."

" How? It's Diet Coke, it's practically fake sugar!" said a confused Boromir.

" You'll see."

Pippin popped open his Diet Coke with a fizz, then opened another one and gave it to Gandalf.

" Here you go buddy." said Pippin.

" Cheese." mumbled Gandalf.

Pippin took one sip of his Diet Coke, and then his eyes turned as big as Gollum's.

" Sugar!" screamed Pippin.

He got up and started doing the Irish Jig along the shoreline before going up to Legolas and screaming in his ear, "THEY'RE TAKING THE HOBBITS TO ISENGARD!".

" No fair!" whined Legolas, "That's my line! I want another law suit!"

Gandalf took a sip of his Coke, then immediately stood up.

" Ooh! Ooh! I want to be your lawyer!" cried Gandalf.

" Santy Claus!" screamed Pippin before running full force at Gandalf.

He began tugging on Gandalf's beard. "Santy Claus, is your beard real?" Pippin asked.

Gandalf picked him up and chucked him far out into the lake.

" Weeeee!" cried Pippin before hitting the surface with a splash.

" No spaghetti for you until you mow my lawn!" screamed Gandalf.

Pippin broke to the surface, gasping with laughter. He swam back to shore and crept up behind Frodo. He then gave a sharp screech, causing Frodo to fall off the rock he was sitting on.

" What?! What is it Pippin?!" he asked, staring around wildly.

" The door!" Pippin cried.

" The door?" Frodo asked in confusion.

" The door is everything! All that once was and all that will be. The door controls time and space. Love and death. The door can see into your mind! The door can see into your SOUL."

" The- The door can do all that?" asked Frodo.

" Pfff, no."

Frodo sighed, "Pippin, I don't have time for your stupidity, I have to figure out the answer to this riddle."

" I got it!" cried Aragorn.

Everyone ran over excitedly.

" See." Aragorn said proudly, pointing to his cell phone, "Connection's better over here."

" Do you have Wi-fi?" asked Merry.

" Yep." said Aragorn.

" Cool! Let's just look up the answer!" said Sam.

" No, that would be cheating!" exclaimed Frodo.

Sam shrugged, "Fine, let's go ask Gandalf then."

Everyone walked over to Gandalf.

" Errr, Gandalf? Do you know the answer to this riddle?" asked Frodo.

Gandalf looked at him with a stupid grin on his face, "Watermelon."

Suddenly, the door swung open and the Fellowship gave a big cheer. They all rushed in and Pippin, being stupid as hell, slammed the door closed behind them, causing a mini avalanche of stone and trapping them inside.

" PIPPIN!"


	5. The Mines Of DEATH!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord Of The Rings. Oh, and if you can find the Seinfeld reference, I'll give you free virtual cupcakes!**

The Mines Of DEATH!

"Chillax, I've got a glow-stick." said Pippin. A soft snapping sound was heard and a greenish glow illuminated the faces of the Fellowship.

" Hey, where's Gandalf?" asked Frodo, looking around. He soon located Gandalf, sitting against the wall with a confused look on his face.

" I don't remember being in Moria." he said.

" That's because you hit your head on a rock while we were walking here." said Frodo.

" Oh."

Gandalf got up and used his staff to illuminate the room.

Pippin looked around in excitement. He ran over to a dwarf skeleton with an arrow sticking out of it's head.

" Take me to your pizza!" Pippin ordered.

Merry began walking around, puzzling at the 'crunch, crunch' sounds he was making as he stepped on the dwarf skeletons. "What am I stepping on? Lucky Charms?"

He looked down at his feet and shrieked. "I'm walking on dead people!"

" I'm walking on sunshine. Woah!" sang Pippin.

Gimli looked around with a horrified expression on his face. Aragorn came up and patted him on the back.

" Look on the bright side, now you won't have to go to any more family reunions."

" And that's supposed to make me feel better?!" spat Gimli.

" I love family reunions." said Legolas, prancing over to them. "But my favourite thing we do as a family is when we celebrate Festivus."

He gave a dreamy sigh, "I love the aluminium pole we stick in the middle of the table and the 'feats of strength' and..." his voice trailing off as he danced away.

Aragorn and Gimli shared a 'Wtf?' look before bursting into giggles.

" Imagine Legolas showing off his 'feats of strength'!" snickered Aragorn.

" What the hell? An aluminium pole?!" laughed Gimli as they got up and started following Gandalf down the mine shaft.

Meanwhile, Frodo was staring at a shape that kept slinking over the rocks, singing something about fish. He leaned over to Gandalf.

" What is that?" Frodo asked.

" That, my dear hobbit, is Gollum. He has been following us for about 5 seconds now."

" OMG stalker!" hissed Frodo.

Suddenly, Gollum swung down in front of Frodo from the ceiling. Frodo gave a little yelp and jumped backwards.

" Gollum is no stalker, hobbitssess." Gollum said. "We is just following the pretty lights. Oh how they sparkles and glowses. We hates them! Gollum, Gollum!"

Frodo gave him a weird look. "Dude you have issues."

Gollum jumped down from the ceiling and did a weird little jump/spin.

" We have no issues, preciouss. Mail man didn't brings uss next issues of 'Middle Earth Living', not afters we eatss him he didn't! Gollum, Gollum."

Frodo held out a package of Halls, "Cough drop?"

Gollum eyed it warily. "Iss it edible, preciouss?" He sniffed it, then swallowed the whole package.

Frodo stared at Gollum in shock. "You're not supposed to take more than one!"

Gollum licked his lips. "We likess cherry flavour, don't we preciousss."

Pippin bounded over to them. " Hey, Gollum, have you seen any pizza around here?"

Gollum looked at Pippin suspiciously. "What is pizza, preciousss?"

Pippin stared dreamily into space, "It's bread covered with cheese, meat, and sauce, topped off with mushrooms, green peppers, and onions."

" We've seen mussshroomssss here, preciousss. Oh yesss we have."

" Really?" asked Pippin excitedly.

Suddenly, Toad appeared directly in front of them.

" I'm the best!" it said.

Pippin lunged at it, swallowing it whole. He licked his lips.

" Best tasting that is." he said.

After three days of walking, the Fellowship and Gollum came to a crossroads/crosstunnel. Gandalf stared at the three different tunnels for a while, before plopping himself down on a rock.

" I have no memory of this place." he said sadly.

Meanwhile, at the back, Legolas and Gimli were having one of their famous competitions.

" I bet you I can kicked this dwarf helmet further than you can!" cried Legolas.

" Oh yeah?!" said Gimli.

" Yeah!" said Legolas.

" I beg to differ!" said Gimli as he drop-kicked the helmet. The helmet flew past Gandalf and down one of the tunnels.

" I remember now!" exclaimed Gandalf. He pointed down to tunnel that Gimli kicked the helmet down. "It's that way!"

" Yey!" the Fellowship cried.

" Follow the leader, the leader, the leader! Follow the leader, down the tunnel we go!" sang Boromir.

" I'm hungry." said Pippin, "Merry, can you pass me an apple from Bill's saddle bags."

Merry nodded and turned around.

" Crap! We left Bill outside!" said Merry.

(Bill: Hehe.)

Suddenly, Gimli stopped and ran into a room. A tomb was in the middle of it, with Balin's name etched in runes on the lid.

" Nooo!" cried Gimli.

" Does this mean we're not getting any pizza?" asked Pippin.

" I'm afraid not, Pip." said Merry.

" Crap."

" Hey look guys!" called Sam, "I found a well!"

Pippin and Merry ran over.

" I threw a wish in a well, don't ask me I'll never tell. I looked at you as it fell, and now you're in my way!" sang Pippin.

" Peregrin Took! Shut the hell up or I'll throw YOU down the well!" bellowed Gandalf.

" Take a chill pill Grandpa." replied Pippin.

" Grrr!"

Pippin continued to sing, despite Gandalf's threat.

" Hey, I just met you! And this is crazy! But here's my number. So call me maybe!"

When the chorus ended, Pippin made the mistake of throwing his arms out. His elbow collided with the head of the skeleton, which fell down the well, bucket and all.

The three hobbits gathered around the well, watching the skeleton fall until it was out of sight.

" I think we have to change the part in the song to 'I threw a dwarf down a well'." said Merry.

A great banging of drums suddenly erupted throughout the chamber and an army of orcs clambered into the tomb room. Suddenly, Pippin stepped in front of them and held out his arms.

" Stop!" he commanded.

The orcs stopped and stared at him in confusion.

" Go bath in chocolate milk! It will prolong your life and improve your smell!" ordered Pippin.

Merry yanked Pippin back. "You do realize that they are mutated elves right? They already will live forever!"

" Oh." said Pippin.

The orcs looked at each other and shrugged, before advancing on the Fellowship. The Fellowship charged at the orcs, hacking like crazy.

" Come at me orcs!" challenged Aragorn. "I'm frickin' Chuck Norris!"

Then the cave troll appeared.

" Cave Troll smash!" it yelled. Spotting Frodo hiding behind a column, it lunged at him, successfully spearing him.

" Holy crap, it's a Frodo kabob!" gasped Merry.

Legolas then advanced on the Troll.

" Bad troll! You no kill friend!" Legolas screamed. He then pulled a bazooka out of nowhere and shot the troll in the head.

When all of the orcs were dead, everyone ran over to Frodo.

" Mister Frodo are you okay?!" asked Sam.

Frodo got up and pulled the spear out. "Yeah, I'm okay."

" Group hug!" yelled Pippin, and everyone ran and gave Frodo a hug.

" Hey," said Frodo, looking around, "Where's Gollum."

Everyone looked up. There was Gollum, skittering around on the ceiling singing Dementia by Owl City.

" Dementia, your driving usss crazy!" he sang. He looked down at the Fellowship.

" Hello friendssss!" he said, "We isss now Sssspiderman, that we isss."

" Come on Gollum! We have to go!" called up Frodo.

Gollum swung down. "Okay, Gollum will go with hobbitsssess and friendsss."

They then ran from the room, heading for the bridge of Khazad Dum. When they reached the staircase, Merry gave Pippin a pair of skiis. Pippin nodded and strapped them onto his feet.

" What are you doing?" asked Gandalf suspiciously.

" Skiing." Pippin answered innocently. Him and Merry then slid down the steps, using the sticks to steer.

" Weee!" they squealed.

Everyone else ran down the steps.

When they came to the gap in the stairs, Pippin and Merry jumped it, doing a 360 in the air, before landing safely on the other side. Aragorn picked up Gimli and chucked him over the gap before jumping over himself.

" Hey!" cried Gimli.

Legolas laughed.

After everyone else had crossed safely, they ran down a corridor into a spacious room with 50 foot ceilings.

Aragorn whistled. "Shmancy."

Gimli beamed.

Suddenly, the room's temperature increased by a couple hundred degrees.

"Whew!" said Merry, "Who turned up the heat?"

Pippin sniffed, "Hey, I think I smell pizza."

The door that they had just run through suddenly illuminated with a red light.

" What the hell is that?!" asked Sam nervously.

" That is a Balrog." said Gandalf, "This creature can only be fought by a level 10 wizard."

" But, Gandalf." said Frodo, "You're only a level 9 wizard."

" Yes. Yes I am." said Gandalf, "Run!"

Everyone bolted out of the room just as the Balrog rounded the corner. The creature that appeared was tiny, probably only three apples high. It gave a little laugh that sounded like a wind-chime.

Pippin caught sight of it at the last moment, and gave a very girly scream.

" What did it look like, Pip?" asked Merry.

" Horrible! Like a little red Smurf." cried Pippin.

The bridge was in sight, just a couple more steps then...

" Surprissse!" cried Gollum, appearing at the entrance to the bridge. "Time to ansswer riddlesss it isss!"

" Not now, Gollum!" said Frodo as he tried to step around Gollum. Gollum hissed.

" No one passsesss 'til riddle iss anssswered!" he yelled.

" Fine. Just hurry!" said Frodo urgently.

Gollum grined.

" What is the wingspan of a swallow?"

" African or European swallow?" asked Pippin.

" Oh, we don'tsss knowsss that." said Gollum.

Suddenly, Gollum flew into the air and disappeared.

" Well, that was weird." said Legolas.

The Fellowship then dashed across the bridge, all except for Pippin, who was doing ballet and singing 'I'm A Little Teapot' while he crossed.

Gandalf reached the middle of the bridge and turned around just as the Balrog entered the room.

" Let's be friends!" it cried happily.

The rest of the Fellowship screamed in fear.

" You shall not pass!" cried Gandalf.

" Please." said the Balrog cheerfully.

Gandalf looked at it in confusion. "What?"

" You said 'You shall not pass'. That is not good manners. You should have said 'You shall not pass PLEASE'." it said.

" Uhh, you shall not pass please!" said Gandalf.

The Balrog beamed. "Good! Now come give me a hug!"

It ran at Gandalf, little arms stretched out wide. Gandalf screamed as it latched onto his leg.

" Ahhh! Get it off! Get it off!" he squealed. Then he tripped and tumbled off the bridge.

" Gandalf!" screamed Frodo.

Aragorn patted him on the back. " It's okay kid. I'll buy you and ice-cream."

He checked his pockets.

" Crap! That son of a hamster had my wallet!"

Instead, he pulled out a little container.

" Tic-tac?"


	6. The Land Of Creepy, Mind-Reading Elves

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord Of The Rings**

The Land Of Creepy, Mind-Reading Elves

Still in shock at the death of their friend, the Fellowship stumbled out like zombies into the bright sunlight.

" Ow!" screamed Sam, "My eyes!"

" It burns! It burns!" cried Pippin.

Aragorn whacked them on the back of the head.

" Suck it up you two!" he growled, "At least YOU didn't lose you wallet!"

Merry patted Aragorn on the back.

" It's okay," he said, "At least you didn't lose your pretty necklace."

" Oooh! Big, tough, dwarf-throwing Aragorn wears fine jewellery!" teased Gimli. "Even getting thrown across a gap in a staircase in front of an elf isn't as embarrassing as that!"

Aragorn took a swing at Gimli's head, but missed and ended up banging his hand against a rock.

" Ow!" cried Aragorn, cradling his hand.

" Ooh! You mad bro? You mad?" said Gimli.

Aragorn glared at him. "It's not my fault I have to wear this thing! My girlfriend gave it to me! I've tried a MILLION times to give it back to her, but she keeps insisting that I wear the stupid thing!"

Legolas ran over to Aragorn, "I see girl-scouts on the horizon, we should get going."

Aragorn nodded and motioned for the hobbits and Boromir to stop playing Go-Fish and get up.

" Come along, we need to leave now."

" Awww. Do we have to?" whined Boromir.

" Yes. By the time night falls these hills will be surrounded by girl-scouts, and I don't have any money to pay for all of the cookies Pippin is surely going to order."

" That sucks." said Pippin. "I was really looking forward to buying some Minty-Mints."

" Where are gonna go?" asked Sam.

" Ooh! Ooh! Can we go to Lothlorien?" asked Legolas eagerly.

" Sure." agreed Aragorn.

" I don't wanna go there!" whined Gimli.

" Suck it up, Gimli. You got to choose the last place, so now it's Legolas' turn." said Aragorn.

Gimli pouted and crossed his arms.

They started walking.

" Hey Legolas!" said Pippin.

" Yes?"

" Will they have any pizza there?" he asked.

" The best in the land." answered Legolas while Gimli huffed.

Eventually the arrived on the outskirts of Lothlorien. Legolas gave a cry of joy and hugged a tree. Suddenly, a bunch of Elven guards swung down like a S.W.A.T. Team from the tree branches and aimed their bows at Legolas.

" No one touches Phil the tree!" one elf bellowed.

Merry screamed.

"We're under attack!" he said, reaching into his pocket. "Jigglypuff, I choose you!"

He chucked a red Poke-ball onto the ground and out came a little pink ball of fuzz.

The Jigglypuff looked at the guards.

" Jigglypuff!" it said.

The Eleven guards screamed and ran away.

Meanwhile, Frodo was simply walking at the back of the group when he heard a voice.

" You bring great evil with you, Ringbearer." it said.

" Yes. The ring IS very evil." answered Frodo, not out loud of course.

" I was actually taking about your friend who likes to sing, for his voice will be the death of us all!"

" Ummm, okay then." said Frodo.

" Do you like playing checkers?" the voice randomly asked.

" Uhhh, yeah." answered Frodo.

" What is your opinion of cheese?"

" Tasty." said Frodo.

" What do you prefer? Vanilla or Chocolate?"

" Well I suppose..." started Frodo.

" How are you feeling right now?"

" What is your preferred name?"

" What is your favourite food?"

" STOP IT!" screamed Frodo, out loud this time. Everyone stared at him.

" Sorry." he said.

The Fellowship shrugged and kept walking.

" Why are you asking me all of these pointless questions?" Frodo asked the voice.

" Because, dear Frodo, I am the inventor of the Profile Quizzes." it said.

Frodo gasped.

All of a sudden, another group of Elven guards jumped down from the trees. Merry reached for his Jigglypuff, but Aragorn stopped him.

" State your business!" an elf ordered.

" The wheels of the bus go round and round! Round and round! Round and..." sang Pippin before Aragorn stuffed his shoe into his mouth.

" We are here for..." said Aragorn.

" Pizza!" yelled the rest of the Fellowship, except for Pippin who said something more like "Mmnpha!", but they knew what he meant.

The captain of the party, whom later introduces himself as Haldir, smiled.

" Come with me dear travellers. We have heard of your quest, and the Lady of the Wood requests an audience with you immeaditatly."

The Fellowship followed Haldir. Eventually, they walked into a clearing, giving them a wonderful views of Lothlorien.

" Eeeeeeee!" squealed Legolas, "Someone take a picture of me next to Lothlorien!"

Legolas threw his cell-phone to Gimli and posed for the picture. Gimli snapped the photo.

" Ummm, okay." said Haldir, slowly inching away from an over-excited Legolas.

Suddenly, Pippin spit out Aragorn's shoe and started singing again.

" If I had a million dollars! (If I had a million dollars!) I would build a city in the trees. (Just like the Ewoks do, that's true!)"

Haldir looked at him in awe.

" You have a wonderful voice, Master Peregrin. How about you join our Elven choir? We would be honoured if you would." suggested Haldir, while the rest of the Elven guard groaned.

" His voice will be the death of us all." moaned an elf.

" Don't I know it." sighed Frodo.

When they finally reached the tree-top city, the Fellowship was ushered up a long flight of stairs towards the house of Galadriel and Celeborn.

Boromir glanced warily over the side of the staircase. "They should really consider putting railings on these things."

Pippin and Merry were making farting noises and giggling, much to the annoyance of Frodo.

" Quit it you two!" yelled Frodo.

The two hobbits burst into giggles before screaming.

" What!" said Frodo.

" Frodo! Watch out for the Blaeh-bleh-bleh!" screamed Pippin.

" Oh no! A Narshlog's got Frodo!" cried Merry.

Frodo rolled his eyes.

They had reached the top now and Galadriel and Celeborn descended a short staircase, hand-in-hand.

" They definitely practised that." Sam whispered to Merry.

" Mommy!" Frodo randomly yelled, and ran forward and gave Galadriel a big hug.

Galadriel and Celeborn shared a quick 'Wtf?' look before turning back to the others.

" Welcome to Lothlorien, travellers." greeted Galadriel.

" Where's Gandalf?" asked Celeborn, "I do not see him with you."

" He frickin' died." stated Boromir casually.

Celeborn burst out crying. "Now I'll never know what 2 plus 2 is!" he sobbed.

" How did he die?" asked Galadriel.

" A Balrog of Morgoth." said Legolas.

" What did you say?" asked Merry, before he and Pippin burst into giggles.

Legolas glared at them.

Galadriel hung her head. "This is sad news. However, you are probably all very hungry from your journey, and I would like to inform you that there is pizza being served in the dining hall."

" Pizza!" screamed the Fellowship, and they ran out of the room, leaving Galadriel to deal with a sobbing Celeborn and a crazy Frodo.

Galadriel sighed, "Well, this sucks."


	7. The Various Effects Of Pizza

**Hello again! I would like to bring to your attention a particularly mean guest review I received for this story. I deleted it, so it won't appear on the review page. Apparently, they thought my story to be stupid and said that I didn't try with this story. It deeply injured my feelings and I would like it if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. I will only accept kind reviews, with mild criticism. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord Of The Rings**

The Various Effects Of Pizza

37 boxes of lembas bread pizza later, the Fellowship was full to exploding point, not to mention how hyper they were.

" Happy Easter!" screamed Legolas, while hopping around like a rabbit.

" Come back Mr. Rabbit!" cried Sam. He chased after Legolas and fell into a hole in the ground.

" I'm stuck!" he said after failing to wiggle himself out.

" Candy bar?" offered Legolas, handing Sam a leaf. Sam swallowed it whole.

Boromir was gazing at all of the lights hanging in the trees.

" Shiny." he said, his eyes as wide as baseballs. He wandered over to a low-hanging branch and promptly licked one of the lights.

" Ow! Ow! It burns!" yelled Boromir, tears streaming from his eyes.

" Do you want a Band-Aid?" asked Gimli.

Boromir nodded, and stuck the Band-Aid on his tongue.

Suddenly, Pippin's voice rang out through the air.

" It's Friday! Friday! Gotta get down on Friday!" he sang, possibly worse than the original singer.

Aragorn winced and turned to Gimli.

" Could I have one of those Band-Aids for my ears?"

Meanwhile, Merry had collected all of the tiny tables from the pizza boxes and was busy stacking them to make a tower.

" Hey Merry!" said Pippin, bounding over to him. "Wanna go bungy-jumping?"

" No thanks." said Merry.

" But Merry!" whined Pippin, stomping his foot and causing Merry's tower to collapse.

Merry turned to Pippin with murder in his eyes.

" Oops." said Pippin quietly.

" Arggghhhh!" bellowed Merry and he charged at Pippin.

" Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Pippin. He ran up a staircase and bolted across a bridge. When he reached the end he stopped, staring in excitement into a room.

" Penguins!" Pippin squealed with glee. He bolted into the room and started cuddling one of the penguins.

Back on the ground, Aragorn and Gimli were having a debate on whether Legolas reminded them more of Peter Pan or Link.

" I think it's the outfit." whispered Aragorn. "It reminds me of both."

" The pointed ears and blond hair reminds me of Link." said Gimli.

" Yeah, well, the fact that he can frickin' fly reminds me of Peter Pan." said Aragorn.

" I think he looks like Barbie." said Frodo.

Aragorn and Gimli snickered.

Suddenly, a bowling ball fell and hit Aragorn in the head, knocking him out cold. Legolas and Gimli looked at each other and bolted up the stairs toward the room the bowling ball fell from. When they threw open the door, their jaws dropped.

There was Pippin and Merry, teaching a bunch of penguins how to bowl.

" Hi there!" said Pippin cheerfully, as another penguin attempted to hit the pins, but instead managed to knock another person unconscious down below.

Merry popped open another can of root-beer.

" We're teaching penguins how to bowl." said Merry simply. He sniffed his root-beer and wrinkled his nose.

" Hey Pippin! Smell this." he said, holding the can to Pippin's nose.

Pippin sniffed it. His eyes crossed.

" T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t..."

" Spit it out already!" yelled Merry.

" Too... Sweet!" said Pippin before passing out.

Merry rolled his eyes. "Weirdo."

" Okay then." said Legolas as he and Gimli began to slowly back out of the room. "We're gonna go get some more food."

" Yay! Food!" screamed Merry and Pippin, who had apparently woken up, following Legolas and Gimli to the dining hall.

The Lothlorien dining hall was more beautiful than anything Merry and Pippin had ever seen, with platers of different foods wonderfully organized on hundreds of silver tables.

" Tacos!" screamed Pippin, running over to the Mexican food area.

Merry ran over to the Chinese food area, picking up tons of fortune cookies from a big silver bowl and cracking them open. He had a habit of collecting things which, in this case, were the tiny fortunes inside the cookies.

Legolas grabbed a salad and Gimli grabbed a steak, before sitting down at a long table with the two hobbits.

" So, how are you liking Lothlorien?" asked Legolas, but the hobbits were too busy shaping their Jell-O into cats.

Pippin looked at Merry's Jell-O cat. "Not bad, buddy." he said.

Merry looked at Pippin's. "Is that supposed to be a cat or a deformed dog?" asked Merry.

" It's a turtle." answered Pippin, even though it looked nothing like one.

Legolas cleared his throat. "I said 'How are you liking Lothlorien?'" he asked again.

" Needs more Nacho Cheese." said Pippin through a mouthful of food.

Legolas face-palmed himself, then shrieked.

Gimli fell of his chair, startled at Legolas' shriek. "What, Legolas?" he asked.

Tears welled up in Legolas' eyes. "There's a speck of dust on my shirt!" he wailed.

Gimli rolled his eyes while the two hobbits laughed.

After they had their snack, the four went back downstairs and set up their sleeping bags.

" Sleep Country Canada, why buy a mattress anywhere else!" sang Pippin.

" We should build a campfire!" suggested Merry excitedly.

" Yeah!" agreed Gimli, "Then we can roast Pippin so that he will finally shut up!"

" Hey!" said Pippin.

" Good idea." agreed Merry, "But I was thinking more along the lines of marshmallows and campfire songs!"

Sam groaned. "No more songs!"

"Why don't we just tell bedtime stories?" suggested Aragorn, who had a partcularly large bump on his head from where the bowling ball hit him.

" Yeah!" agreed the Fellowship.

" I'll start." volunteered Pippin. He cleared his throat.

" Once upon a time there was a little hobbit. Just like you." he said, pointing in Merry's general direction.

" Like me?" asked Merry.

" No, I was actually pointing at Sam."

Merry pouted and crossed his arms.

Pippin continued, "So, this chubby little hobbit was wandering around in the woods until..."

" He tripped and fell off a cliff. The End." finished Boromir.

Everyone stared at him.

" Sorry." he said sheepishly.

" Well...what happened Pippin?" asked Sam, but Pippin had crashed during Boromir's interruption and was now snoring loudly.

" Fine then, I'll tell a story." said Sam angrily.

" Once upon a time there was an ugly little barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The End."

A tear fell from Boromir's eye.

" That was so beautiful." he sniffled.

Sam face-palmed himself.

" Cheese." mumbled Pippin in his sleep.

Legolas stretched. "Well, goodnight everyone." he said before climbing up into a tree.

" Should we tell him there's a tracker-jacker nest up there?" asked Merry.

" Na." said Aragorn.

" Help! I'm being attacked by gummy bears!" screamed Pippin, waking up with a start.

Aragorn shook his head, " I guess that teaches you never to eat that much pizza before going to bed."

" My tummy hurts." moaned Legolas.

" Don't barf up there." warned Gimli, "Because you know who it's gonna fall on if you do, right?"

" Santa's coming! Go to sleep!" yelled Pippin.

Everyone but Frodo crashed instantly.

" Insomnia, I hate you." sighed Frodo, before getting up and wandering off into the forest.


	8. Mirror Mirror In A Bowl

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord Of The Rings**

Mirror Mirror In A Bowl...

Frodo had been walking for only a few minutes when he realized that walking out into unfamiliar territory at night wasn't such a good idea.

" Crap!" he said, looking around wildly. "Where am I?"

Suddenly, he spotted a figure weaving gracefully in and out of the trees. Well, technically they were skipping. Against all other judgement, he decided to follow it. As he got closer, Frodo was able to recognize that the figure was Galadriel.

" To Grandmother's house we go!" said Galadriel as she skipped, holding a basket of goodies.

" Mommy!" screamed Frodo, running over to the elf.

" Ahhh! It's the Big Bad Wolf!" screamed Galadriel.

Frodo gave her the 'Wtf?' look.

" Oh! Hello Frodo." Galadriel said kindly. "Would you like to walk with me?"

" Okay." said Frodo.

They walked along in silence for awhile before reaching a clearing. It looked a lot like a patio, with tables and deck chairs surrounding a stone pillar with a bowl of water on top. Galadriel motioned for Frodo to take a seat.

" So Frodo." said Galadriel, "Tell me about the Shire."

" Well, it's a land of sweets and joy...and joyness." answered Frodo lamely.

Galadriel tilted her head.

" Sorry, just channelling my inner Pippin." mumbled Frodo.

Galadriel smiled. "That is alright Frodo. You of all people deserve to have a little joy in these dark times."

She stood up and walked over to a bowl of water.

" Will you look into the mirror?" she asked.

" Well...What will I see?" asked Frodo.

" Your reflection, duh." said Galadriel in annoyance.

" Ummm, okay?" said Frodo uncertainly.

He walked over to the bowl of water and leaned over until he could see his face in the water. Suddenly, scenes of Pippin's horrible singing, Merry eating the ring, and Gollum doing the tango with a fish appeared in the mirror. Then he heard a voice, and felt a tap on his shoulder...

" Ahhhhh!" screamed Frodo as he jerked his head out of the water. He turned around.

" Hiya Frodo!" said Merry cheerfully.

Standing in front of him were Merry, Pippin, and Sam. The latter was holding a potted plant and petting it.

" Were you following me?!" yelled Frodo.

" Maybe." said Merry.

Frodo rolled his eyes and turned to Sam.

" What have you got there Sam?" he asked.

Sam held his potted plant up proudly. "This is my nightlock bush, to supply us with food for the long journey!"

" Uhhh, Sam? You do know that nightlock is poisonous, right?" said Frodo.

Sam gasped and put a hand on either side of the plant, as if covering its 'ears'.

" How dare you accuse Billy Bob Joe of being poisonous!" exclaimed Sam, "Shame on you!"

He held out the plant, "Now, say you're sorry."

" Uhhh, I'm sorry Billy Bob Joe." said Frodo.

" I'm bored!" whined Pippin. "I wanna go bug Gandalf!"

" Pippin? Gandalf's dead." said Frodo.

Pippin furrowed his brow, "I thought that was Dumbledore."

Frodo face-palmed himself.

" Let's play hide-and-seek!" suggested Pippin. Everyone nodded and ran off in different directions while Pippin tried unsuccessfully to count to 3. Frodo rolled his eyes and went back to camp.

The next day, the Fellowship was lined up to receive their parting gifts from the elves.

" I hope I get a puppy!" squeaked Pippin. "No wait! A gumball machine! No wait! A goldfish cracker..."

" I hope I get a kick-ass sword!" said Aragorn.

" SHINY!" yelled Boromir excitedly.

Galadriel walked over and handed a shiny coin to Boromir.

" For your obsessiveness with shiny things." she said.

Boromir nodded, then swallowed the whole thing.

" Now I glow!" he said happily.

Galadriel handed a piece of cheesecake to both Pippin and Merry.

" This is to shut you two up for a few seconds." she said.

Pippin attempted to eat his piece of cake while singing 'Eat It' by Weird Al Yankovic, which resulted in a fit of coughing and a grossed out Galadriel as the cake was retched out onto her clean white dress.

She gave a sword to Aragorn, who had to get Merry and Pippin to restrain Boromir from licking it because of its 'shinyness'.

Legolas got a new bow, and, in his excitement, he accidentally tested it out on Haldir.

" Oops." he said as Haldir groaned and fell to the ground.

" Don't worry." said Galadriel, "He was going to die soon anyway."

Galadriel gave a track suit to Sam.

" What is this for?" he asked, puzzled.

" Oh, nothing." said Galadriel unconvincingly.

Sam looked at it in confusion and attempted to wear it as a turban.

Galadriel walked over to Frodo.

" I give to you a piece of cloth, which you can use on Pippin if he won't shut up."

Frodo looked evilly at Pippin. "Looks like I'll be using it a lot then."

Galadriel laughed and walked over to Gimli.

" And what would a dwarf want of an elf?" she asked.

Gimli shifted uncomfortably.

" Oh, I don't know. A Maserati, a pet tiger, to marry you..." he said.

Galadriel laughed and gave him three strands of her hair.

" Thanks." Gimli said sarcastically and handed her one of his toenail clippings.

" Time to go!" said Aragorn, and the Fellowship raced off towards the boats.

At first, they all tried cramming into one boat. However, they decided this wasn't the best idea when Sam put one foot into the boat and caused it to rock precariously. So, they decided that Aragorn, Frodo, Merry and Gimli would go in one boat, Pippin, Boromir, and Legolas in another, and Sam isolated with his plant in his own boat.

" Cool!" said Merry, climbing into his assigned boat, "They supplied us with more lembas bread pizzas! Now I can collect more little tables!" He eagerly flipped open the boxes and began plucking out the little tables from the middle of the pizzas.

" Yes!" said Frodo, "I'm not in the same boat as Pippin!"

" However, his singing is so loud, it can be heard all the way in Mordor." joked Gimli.

Frodo smiled, "At least that would save us the trouble of killing them in person."

" Why do I have to be in my own boat?" asked Sam.

" Because your added weight would cause us all to sink to the bottom and because you're carrying dangerous cargo, which either Merry or Pippin would be most likely to eat and die." answered Gimli.

" Well, why don't you just put Merry and Pippin together in one boat so I can come sit with you guys?" asked Sam.

" Because that's a disaster waiting to happen." answered Frodo.

Meanwhile, Aragorn was busy trying to doodle a picture of Arwen.

Frodo leaned back to get a good view of the picture.

" Is that supposed to be Elvis or a deformed bat?" he asked.

" It's supposed to be Arwen!" cried Aragorn.

Suddenly, a tiny drop of water flicked out of the river and onto the paper.

" Nooooooooooo!" screamed Aragorn.

Merry patted Aragorn on the back.

" Don't worry, your girlfriend probably would have killed you if you sent that to her."

Aragorn spazzed and tried to get at Merry, but ended up falling out of the boat.

" Help! Help! I can't swim!" screamed Aragorn, flailing his arms desperately in the water.

" Uhhh, Aragorn?" said Frodo, "You do know that your feet are touching the bottom, right?"

Aragorn looked down at his feet.

" Why so they are!" he exclaimed. Frodo face-palmed himself.

Aragorn smiled, "I'm too awesome to drown."

On the other boat, Pippin had opened a huge box of Viva-Puffs and was currently stuffing his face with them. He turned to Legolas, Viva-Puffs stuffed into his cheeks.

" I'm a squirrel!" he said happily.

Legolas laughed. Unfortunately, the added weight of the Viva-Puffs on his head caused Pippin to topple over board.

" Hey!" called Pippin from the water, "The Viva-Puffs in my cheeks are helping me float!"

" Great job Pippin. You made me crave a Root-Beer Float." said Merry as his tummy rumbled in agreement.

Pippin grinned and got back onto the boat, shaking himself like a wet dog.

Legolas shrieked as water droplets soaked through his clothes.

" Hey Legolas!" said Pippin as he sat down. "When I was little, kids at school would call me 'Pip-squeak' because of how short I was compared to them. Now look at me! I've grown 2 feet taller!"

Legolas hadn't been paying attention to Pippin, he was too intent on playing Angry Birds on his cellphone. Boromir looked at Legolas' silver cell-phone.

" SHINY!" he screamed, snatching the cell-phone from Legolas.

" Hey! Give it back!" yelled Legolas.

" My preciousss!" hissed Boromir.

Suddenly, a bony hand reached out of the water and wrestled the phone from Boromir.

" It'sss MY preciousss now!" Gollum cackled as he swam away.

" Hey Aragorn." said Gimli, who had watched the whole thing, "Looks like we found someone to give you swimming lessons."


	9. Of Boats, Orcs, and Boromir

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord Of The Rings**

Of Boats, Orcs, and Boromir

After several days of floating around on a boat, the Fellowship was beyond bored. Sadly, they even started to envy Sam because he actually had something to do, which was taking care of his poisoness plant.

Sam looked up from trimming the leaves to see everyone staring at him.

" What?" he asked.

Everyone looked away.

" Oh no! Does this shirt make me look fat!?" freaked out Sam.

" Uhhh...Sam? Everything makes you look fat." said Frodo.

Sam smiled, "You guys are funny."

" I was being serious..." mumbled Frodo.

Aragorn, restless from his lack of video-gaming, was rocking back and forth on the floor of the boat.

" Haven't...played...Black-Ops...for three days..." he muttered to himself.

" You haven't played World of Warcraft either." said Gimli.

Aragorn's eyes widened and he stuck his thumb in his mouth.

In the other boat, Pippin was rooting around the the food sack for something to play with. He pulled out an apple.

" Hey Merry!" called Pippin.

" Yeah?!" said Merry.

" Catch!" cried Pippin, chucking the apple in Merry's direction. It sored over Merry's head and flew into the trees, knocking an orc atop the head.

" Hey!" the orc yelled, "Are you kids playing on my yard again!? I'm gonna rip out your intestines and use them as a jump-rope!"

" Rage." said Merry, and him and Pippin burst into giggles.

" We're being followed!" exclaimed Legolas.

" No duh Lego-head." said Gimli.

" What's Lego?" asked Sam.

" It's an evil contraption that will kill you if you look at it!" yelled Merry.

Sam whimpered in fear.

" Merry!" exclaimed Frodo, "That wasn't very nice!"

" What's 'nice'?" asked Sam in confusion.

Frodo groaned and put his head in his hands.

" I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves. I know a song that will get on your nerves, and this is how it goes!" sang Pippin.

Frodo glared at Pippin, who started nervously humming Old McDonald Had A Farm.

" Hey Frodo!" said Merry, "Can we get take-out?"

" Yes! Take-out!" squealed Pippin. He leaned out of his boat and started ordering into a rock.

" I want chicken nuggets, Diet Coke, apple pie, Diet Coke, cheese fondu, and did I mention Diet Coke?"

Frodo rolled his eyes.

" Hey!" exclaimed Sam, "What's that?!"

Standing on either side of the river were giant statues, holding their hands out as if halting the boats.

Pippin grinned. "They must want a high-five!" He put his hand up and gave each statue an air-high-five.

" Actually, Pippin." said Merry, "I think they want to play Patty-Cake."

Pippin's smile grew even wider, and he began playing air-Patty-Cake with the statues.

Legolas, however, was more focused on their feet.

" Those statues' need a proper pedicure." he said.

" Good idea Legolas!" said Pippin joyfully, snatching Legolas' magical make-up kit out of his bag. He put it in his mouth and jumped off the boat, doggy-paddling to the base of one of the statues. Merry soon got out to join him.

A few hours later, they swam back to their boats, leaving the statues with multi-coloured toe-nails due to the fact that they kept running out of certain colours fairly quickly.

Legolas looked at their handy-work in approval.

" Much better." he said as the colours started to run together to form a sickly greenish brown.

" Ew." said Frodo.

They travelled further down the river until night-fall, where they set up camp on the river-bank.

Pippin got off the boat and stuck a penny into the dirt.

Frodo looked at him strangely. "What did you do that for?"

" Well, it's called a river-BANK now isn't it?" answered Pippin, while Frodo resisted the urge to chuck him back into the river.

" I need to make a with-drawl." said Merry, pulling the penny out of the ground.

Pippin stared at Merry in horror. "Bank robber! Bank robber!" he screamed.

" Gummy worms!" said Merry, pulling a bag of gummy worms out of his pocket. Pippin squealed and swallowed the entire bag.

" SANTA'S COMMING! GO TO SLEEP!" yelled Frodo. Everyone crashed instantly.

Frodo grinned to himself. "I should use that more often."

The next day, everbody was trying to get Aragorn to wake up so they could get going.

Merry and Pippin were jumping up and down on his stomach, Gimli was kicking him in the side, Frodo was tickling his feet with a feather, Sam was eating, and Legolas was sitting on a rock, refusing to go anywhere near the smelly ranger.

Aragorn groaned and rolled over, causing Merry and Pippin to fall flat on their backs.

" Just five more minutes." he muttered.

Gimli kicked him where it hurts.

" Owwie!" squealed Aragorn, "I'm up! I'm up!"

" Yey!" cheered Merry and Pippin.

Aragorn sat up groggily and looked around.

" Hey." he said, "Where's Boromir?"

The Fellowship froze and looked around wildly.

" Uhhh, we don't know." said Frodo apologetically.

" Quick everyone! Let's go search for him!" yelled Aragorn,

Everyone scampered off in different directions calling for Boromir while Aragorn grinned and curled back up on the ground.

" Losers." he said.

At that moment, Boromir walked back into the campsite.

" Where did everybody go?" he asked in confusion.

" Bathroom breaks." said Aragorn sleepily.

Boromir shrugged and wandered back off into the woods.

In the meantime, Frodo was spazzing about how he couldn't figure out who the hell his dad was.

" That's it!" he said, "The next person to walk into these woods is my daddy!"

Of course, that's when Borormir randomly walked in.

" BOROMIR?!" yelled Frodo in dis-belief.

" What?" asked Boromir.

Frodo screamed and ran away from him. Boromir watched him run into the woods, and caught something glint in the sunlight.

" Shiny? SHINY!" he screamed, chasing after Frodo.

" My shiny!" screamed Frodo, then caught himself, "Wait. Shiny? What the hell?"

Hearing a mad screech from Boromir, Frodo picked up the pace and barrelled out into the campsite. He swiftly hid behind a rock just as Boromir entered the site. Boromir looked around in confusion.

" Shiny?" he said. He glanced around the campsite, then soon gave up. He walked over to one of the boats and got in.

" This is frickin' boring." he said, "I'm gonna be Pochahontas!"

He then rowed the boat quickly towards the water-fall and attempted a graceful dive as the boat fell off the edge, just like Pochahontas did in the Disney movie. The only difference is that his failed because he forgot about the rocks at the bottom.

" Aieee!" screamed Boromir as he hit the rocks with a thud.

Frodo winced.

"Why am I constantly surrounded by idiots?" he sighed to himself.

Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin were happily skipping along in the forest scattering bread-crumbs behind them and singing.

" We're going on a mission! A mission! A mission! We're going on a mission! What's it gonna be?" they sang.

Suddenly, Pippin stopped.

" What is it Pip?" asked Merry.

Pippin sniffed the air.

"CANDY!" he squealed.

The two hobbits bolted in the direction of the smell and came across a ginger-bread house. They immediately began munching away at the house and were finished in approximately 20 seconds.

Pippin burped.

" Yummy." they mumbled happily.

Then, the owner of the house came home.

" What the hell?!" said the witch.

Pippin gave a squeal of joy and finished her off too.

Suddenly, an army of orcs walked into the clearing. They stopped when they caught sight of Merry and Pippin.

" Are those hobbits?" asked one orc.

" I'm pretty sure." said another.

" Didn't uncle Sarumon say that a hobbit was carrying something of equal or lesser value and that he wanted all hobbits we found brought straight to him?" said yet another orc.

" Yes." said one who apparently was the leader, "He also said not to call him 'uncle Sarumon'"

" Awww. But I like calling him uncle Sarumon." whined the orc.

" Shut up." said the chief, "Or else you'll become our afternoon snack."

The orc pouted and crossed his arms.

" We're not hobbits!" said Merry in a high, squeaky voice, "We're little Gondorian schoolgirls!"

" Oh. Very sorry mademoiselles." said the orc.

The chief knocked the orc atop the head.

" Idiot." he said. Then he turned to Merry and Pippin.

" Get them up." he ordered, "We're bringing these two to Sarumon."

The two unfortunate orcs who had to carry Merry and Pippin struggled to pick them up. Finally, they were able to get them onto their backs.

" Yey! Piggy-backs!" squealed the two hobbits before Pippin vomited over his orc's shoulder.

Sam, who had watched the whole thing, panicked and ran back to the campsite.

" Aragorn! Aragorn!" yelled Sam.

Aragorn groaned, "What?!"

" Orcs have taken Merry and Pippin!" said Sam.

" Yes!" cheered Frodo.

" We have to go save them!" said Aragorn, jumping up with his sword drawn. "I haven't killed anything in the last three weeks!"

" NOOO!" said Frodo. He then grabbed a bag of provisions and climbed into and boat.

" See you losers, I'm gonna go destroy the ring." he said.

" Mr. Frodo! Wait for me!" cried Sam, clambering into the boat just as it set off.

Then, Legolas and Gimli appeared back in the campsite.

" So," said Gimli, "What did I miss?"

" Boromir frickn' fell off a water-fall and Merry and Pippin got frickin' kid-napped!" yelled Aragorn.

" Oh no!" cried Legolas, "We have to go save Boromir!"

" Uhhh, Legolas?" said Gimli, "There's no way Boromir would have survived that fall."

" Oh." said Legolas.

" C'mon bros!" said Aragorn, "Let's go kill some orcs!"

" Yeah!"cheered Legolas and Gimli.

" Wait. What orcs?"

**Yey! Onto The Two Towers! I have many funny chapters thought up for this one! Sorry I was so late in up-dating, I had gone on vacation and had some projects to finish. To make sure that my future chapters will have even better humour quality, I might up-date every weekend now instead of every two days to get material so that I'm not rushing it.**


	10. Lord Of The Rings Call Me Maybe

I threw a man down a well,

His name didn't ring a bell,

I looked around as he fell,

Oh crap, Gandalf looks pissed,

The orcs charge into the room,

We run faster than Ron on a broom,

I think that we all are doomed,

Hey, is that a nacho stand?

The door is breaking,

Frodo's head is aching,

Pippin's figure skating,

I wonder what my Grandma's baking,

Hey we just met you,

And you are CRAZY!

To stand and fight while,

The orcs are invading,

Now don't suspect that,

We are lazy,

We're just concerned that,

We'll all start bushing daisies.

Frodo got speared by a troll,

By hiding behind a pole,

This fight is getting quite old,

And now my feet are cold!

Oh! Looks like Frodo's just fine,

Something's smelling like pine,

We need to get out of this mine,

I think that I'm going insane!

We end up running,

Now my nose is running,

Orcs are running,

Why do I keep saying 'running'?

Hey we just met you,

And you are CRAZY!

To stand and fight while,

The orcs are invading,

Now don't suspect that,

We are lazy,

We're just concerned that,

We'll all start bushing daisies.

Gandalf is fighting a Balrog,

Oh crap he died,

Oh crap he died,

Oh crap he died,

Gandalf just fell off a bridge,

And Frodo's spazzing,

And Frodo's spazzing,

And Frodo's spazzing!

Hey we just met you,

And you are CRAZY!

To stand and fight while,

The orcs are invading,

Now don't suspect that,

We are lazy,

We're just concerned that,

We'll all start bushing daisies.

We are finally out of the mine!

Everyone's crying,

Everyone's crying,

Why are you crying,

Oh yeah, Gandalf just died,

But we are alive!

But we are alive!

But we are alive!

And now I'm crazy!


	11. My Little Shrubbery?

**Yey! Two Towers! Oh, and all of the MLP references are dedicated to my friend dreamofhope.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord Of The Rings.**

My Little Shrubbery?

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli had been following the orcs since Amon Hen, hardly ever stopping to rest. Mainly because Aragorn didn't think it was 'cool'.

" I'm a deer!" squealed Legolas as he sprinted across the field. He passed Aragorn, who was carrying a banjo.

" Hey...Aragorn! Why...are...you...carrying...a banjo?" panted Gimli.

Aragorn grinned. "Because we're running cross-COUNTRY. Get it? Get it? Banjo's are COUNTRY music instruments."

Gimli looked at him strangely. "Lamest...joke...ever."

Legolas leapt up onto a rock.

" Hey Legolas!" called Aragorn, " Can you see my house from there?"

" No." said Legolas, "Aren't rangers supposed to be nomadic?"

Aragorn smiled, "Yep. I'm an air-bender."

" So...you...could...blow...us...to...the...hobbits?" asked Gimli hopefully.

Aragorn laughed. "Silly Gimli. That's what water-benders do."

Gimli knit his brow in confusion.

" I see the orc army!" cried Legolas, "They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!"

" We...kind-of...already...guessed...that...Legolas." said Gimli.

" Let's go kill them!" yelled Aragorn.

Legolas looked horrified.

" What?! But, but I'm only on Level 5 for my Jedi training! I'm not ready to take on an entire army of opponents yet!"

" What about all of those orcs you killed in Moria?" asked Gimli.

" My charater setting was on manual." sighed Legolas.

Suddenly Aragorn, who had been momentarily forgotten, spoke up.

" I see horses!" he said excitedly, "I need one for my World of Warcraft mission!"

Aragorn ran down the hill towards the horses, Legolas and Gimli following behind him to make sure he didn't do anything stupid.

" Hey! Horse dudes! I am Prince Caspien! You must worship me!" yelled Aragorn. Too late.

The horse riders turned around and circled the three travellers. They lowered their spears menacingly towards Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli.

Then, one of the riders spoke up.

" We are the Knights Who Say 'Nit'! State your name and business!"

" My name is King Aragorn, and I want a horse and to go somewhere that has Wi-fi!" ordered Aragorn.

Gimli looked at him strangely. "Since when were you promoted to 'King' Aragorn?"

" Right after I got the the eighth square of the board." replied Aragorn.

Gimli rolled his eyes and turned to the rider.

" We are looking for a couple of annoying hobbits. They got carried off by orcs, who are taking them to Sarumon. Have you seen them?"

The rider examined his spear lazily.

" Yeah, we've seen them. That was our breakfast."

Legolas looked at him in disgust. "You ATE them?!"

" No, actually. We ate the orcs. Didn't see any of those hobbit-things with them."

" Crap!" said Gimli angrily, "You mean I ran all this way for nothing?!"

Aragorn cleared his throat.

" So, about the horses and Wi-fi..."

" The nearest city is Edoras. We will only give you entrance and horses if you get something for us." said the rider.

" As long as it isn't expensive jewellery, I'm in!" said Aragorn.

" First, you must plant us, a shrubbery." ordered the rider.

" Yey! Plant life!" squealed Legolas.

" Where the hell are we supposed to find a shrubbery?!" asked Gimli.

" In Fanghorn Forest of course!" said the rider gleefully. He then beckoned for another rider to bring forth two horses. A purple horse, and a crazy-looking pink horse appeared.

" Hey!" said Gimli, "How come I don't get a horse?!"

" Because they couldn't find any your size." answered Legolas.

Gimli kicked him in the shins.

" This is Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie." said the rider. "They won't shut up, so we'll just hand them off to you."

He leaned over to Pinkie Pie and sighed, "What was that Pinkie?"

The horse didn't say anything, but the rider nodded as if he understood.

" Yes, we'll have that polka party as soon as we actually get to kill something. Okay?" he said.

The three travellers looked at each other.

" He's crazy!" whispered Gimli.

Aragorn eagerly jumped onto Pinkie Pie.

" C'mon guys! Let's go into the creepy-looking forest!" he said before taking off into the forest.

Legolas leapt onto his horse and spead off.

" Hey!" yelled Gimli, "Wait for me!"

The inside of Fanghorn Forest actually wasn't as creepy as it was on the outside, mainly because it appeared that someone had decorated it for Christmas several months early.

" Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away! Bella died, Jacob cried, HARRY POTTER ALL THE WAY!" sang Aragorn.

" Please don't tell me that you're gonna start acting like Pippin." groaned Gimli.

" Nope, just a passing phase." said Aragorn.

Gimli sighed in relief.

Meanwhile, Legolas was busy hugging all of the trees.

" Ummm, Legolas?" said Gimli.

" Yeah?"

" Being a 'tree-hugger' doesn't mean you literally hug trees." he said.

" Well, trees deserve hugs as much as people do! So I'm still going to hug them!" argued Legolas.

" How about you read them bed-time stories too." said Gimli sarcastically.

Legolas beamed. "Good idea!"

Gimli face-palmed himself.

" Hear little shrubbery! Hear little shrubbery! Where are you!" said Aragorn as if he was calling a dog.

" Uhhh, Aragorn?" said Gimli.

" Yeah?"

" What the hell?"

Aragorn shrugged and kept calling the shrubbery. After a minute he started to get pissed.

" Stupid shrubbery! I'm King Aragorn, so you must do what I say! Come here RIGHT NOW!" he bellowed.

Suddenly, there was a loud 'pop' and Dobby the house-elf appeared holding a potted shrub. He handed the shrub to Aragorn.

" Here you are Harry Potter sir! Dobby found a very nice shrub for your shrubbery!" he said before disappearing.

Aragorn held the potted shrub akwardly. "You know, I'm starting to think that Dobby actually might be related to Jar-Jar."

Then, Legolas tipped his head to the side, listening. Aragorn and Gimli listened too.

" Do you hear that?" asked Legolas.

" No." said Aragorn and Gimli.

_Ring! Ring!_

" Oh! Oh! I hear it now!" said Aragorn excitedly.

" It sounds like a cell-phone." said Gimli.

" We're not alone." said Legolas misteriously.

" Well, duh. I'm here." said Aragorn.

" I mean besides us." replied Legolas.

" Oh."

The noise was getting closer.

" I reckon the person is going to come out of those trees in front of us any second now." whispered Legolas.

" Yey! I finally get to kill something!" said Aragorn happily.

" Oh, I don't think you'll want to kill me." said a voice behind them.

Aragorn whipped around, slicing his sword through the air.

Gandalf was standing a few metres away, grinning.

" I do love throwing my voice." he said.

" GANDALF?!" they cried.

" No, I'm Santa Claus." Gandalf said sarcastically.

" Oh. My mistake." apologized Aragorn.

Gandalf face-palmed himself.

" So, what are you doing in Fanghorn Forest?" asked Gimli, "I thought you died."

" I did." said Gandalf, "But I came back. I'm awesome like that."

" And, have you seen Merry and Pippin while you've been here?" said Gimli.

" Unfortunatley." sighed Gandalf. "Don't worry, they're in good hands. Or, should I say, branches."

He laughed, but the others didn't seem to get the joke, so he stopped.

Akward silence.

" So, I see you finally got around to washing your robe!" said Legolas happily, "Now you won't get arrested by the fashion police and beaten by their fabulous batons!"

Everyone stared at Legolas.

" What?"

" **cough**, weirdo." said Gimli.

" No, Legolas." said Gandalf, "I did not wash my robe, I got a new one instead! Now I'm Gandalf the White!"

Legolas gasped. " Gandalf! Don't be racist! That's not nice at all!"

Aragorn looked confused, "So, everytime you buy a different colour robe, your name changes?"

Gandalf sighed in exasperation and lead them out of the forest.

" I heard that you were trying to get into Edoras by planting a shrubbery." said Gandalf. " In truth, all you really need to do to get in is to pretend you're royalty. Always works for me."

He walked out into the dazzling sunlight and started whistling.

" Gandalf!" scolded Aragorn, "Now is not the time to go all Tom Bombadil on us!"

Suddenly, they saw a flash of rainbow and Rainbow Dash landing on the ground next to Gandalf. Gandalf patted his horse proudly.

" Stole her from King Theoden." he said.

" Alvin and the Chipmunks are here?" asked Aragorn.

" No, they were on tour last year."

Aragorn pouted.

Gandalf mounted Rainbow Dash, and Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn followed suit.

"To Edoras!" cried Gandalf.


	12. What Time Is It Mr Orc?

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord Of The Rings**

What Time Is It Mr. Orc?

"Merry."

Merry groaned. "Five more minutes."

"Merry."

" Fine, three more minutes."

"MERRY!"

" Argh! What?!" said Merry in annoyance, opening his eyes.

" We're going to Epcot, Merry." said Pippin happily.

" Yeah, I know...wait, Epcot?"

Pippin grinned. "Yep! We're going to Mickey's Christmas Party!"

" Uhhh, Pippin? We're actually going to Isengard, not Epcot. And for the record, Mickey's Christmas Party is in Fantasy Land." said Merry.

" Awww. But I wanted to see Mulan."

Merry rolled his eyes.

Pippin leaned over to whisper in the ear of the orc who was carrying him. Or, at least, Pippin's form of a whisper.

" WHERE ARE WE?!" yelled Pippin.

The orc winced and grunted in annoyance. "We're in Rohan."

Pippin tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Rohan, eh? Hmm, I feel heavier. Gravity must be stronger here."

" Or it could be because you ate half of a gigantic ginger-bread house earlier today."

Pippin burped. "Oh yeah."

Merry grimaced as he remembered eating the ginger-bread house, and promptly vomited over his orc's shoulder. He looked up and grinned. "Much better."

" ARGH! YOU TWO ARE THE MOST ANNOYING CREATURES IN ALL OF MIDDLE-EARTH!" screamed Merry and Pippin's orcs.

The two hobbits looked at each other in shock.

" Ooh! Ooh! This reminds me of a song I wrote! Just because you feel upset, does not mean you have to yell." sang Pippin.

The two orcs groaned.

" Hey chief! Can we eat them?" asked the orcs.

" Yeah!" agreed another from the crowd, "We've had nothing to eat other than maggoty bread for three days!"

" Wow." said Merry while taking a large bite out of a chicken leg, "Where have you been?"

" No!" bellowed the leader, "We must bring them to Sarumon _unspoiled_."

" Well, if you're worried about them getting spoiled, we could always eat some of them and then package the rest in a Ziploc bag for later." suggested one of the orcs.

" You idiots! We can't eat them or else Sarumon will banish us all to space camp for one thousand hours!" yelled the leader in frustration.

" Or worse!" piped up Pippin, "He could force you to read Twilight."

The orc army shuddered..

" It's settled then." said the general, "We'll eat their legs."

" What?!" yelled Merry and Pippin in unison.

The orcs gathered in a circle around the two hobbits, inching inwards menacingly. Merry gulped and Pippin peed himself.

Suddenly, an army of horse riders burst into the clearing.

" We are the Knights Who Say 'Nit' and we would like to play a game!"

The orcs looked at each other in confusion.

" Errr...what?" asked the general.

" We would like to jump rope, play with puzzles, and OTHER FRIEND ACTIVITIES!" yelled the leader of the 'Knights'.

The orcs blinked.

The leader of the Rohirrim looked down at them in disapointment.

" Okay then, let's play 'What Time Is It '." ordered Eomer.

" Okay...what time is it Mr. Wolf?" said the general of the orcs uncertainly.

" BREAKFAST TIME!" yelled the Rohirrim.

The orcs screeched as the Rohirrim charged at their ranks, and fled in different directions. In the confusion, Pippin and Merry got down in army -crawl position and slowly made their way towards the forest.

" Why are we crawling, again?" asked Merry.

" Well, I was thinking about using my Gypsy magic to summon a portal, but I was hungry for tacos." answered Pippin.

" Wait, you're a Gypsy?" said Merry, giving Pippin a strange look.

" Nope." answered Pippin.

" But you just said that you were." said Merry.

" No, I said that I was craving tacos."

Suddenly, Pippin pulled out a box of cereal and smiled as if he were shooting a commercial.

" Tacos. They're meat, vegetable, and cheese-flavoured O's in a tortilla bowl! They even make the milk taste like tacos!"

" Ew." said Merry.

Abruptly, Pippin looked up and gave a loud shriek.

" For goodness sake Pippin, I told you yesterday that Kirby was not following you." sighed Merry.

Then, Merry looked up to see a rearing horse about to squash both of them into jelly.

" Ahhh!" screamed Merry as he rolled away, dragging Pippin with him right before the horse's fore-legs came crashing to the ground.

" I almost died." said Pippin in a far-away voice.

" C'mon! We've got to get to the creepy-looking forest!" said Merry.

The two hobbits crawled across the grass while Pippin blared a spy theme song on his Ipod.

" We've got to be sneaky, Merry. Sneaky, _sneaky, _sneak..."

" Okay, okay! I get it." said Merry.

One of the Rohirrim successfully speared three orcs at once.

" Yes!" he cheered, "Orc shish-kabob!"

" I'm gonna make scrambled orcs!" said another.

Pippin and Merry successfully reached the forest, leaving the freaky buffet behind them. They got up and got a good look at their surroundings. The trees were creepy, the ground was creepy, even the puddles of water looked creepy. But in Pippin's world, everything looked pink and deep-fried in chocolate.

Pippin gazed thoughtfully around the forest. "When I'm older, I'm going to retire here." He skipped up to the tallest tree and began climbing it. "I'm going to build a magical tree-house on the very top of this tree and..."

Suddenly, a loud sneeze interrupted Pippin's rantings.

" Cool! Did that tree just sneeze?!" asked Merry in awe.

" Nope," said Pippin, "I'm pretty sure it was the tree."

" That's what I just said." said Merry.

The tree then opened its eyes and picked Pippin up off of it's shoulder. He held Pippin to his nose and blew before setting him back down on the ground.

" Ewwwwww!" exclaimed Merry, seeing Pippin dripping with tree sap.

Pippin sniffed himself carefully and licked his hand. "Tastes like Maple Syrup."

Merry fainted.

The tree bent down to examine the two hobbits. "Hmm, these do not look like tissues to me." he said slowly.

" We're hobbits!" said Pippin cheerfully.

" Hobbits? Never heard of hobbits. Looks more like puppy dogs to me."

The tree then scooped up Merry and Pippin and gave them a rib-crushing hug. " I've always wanted a puppy dog! I will hug you, and squeeze you, and call you George!" said the tree happily. He then skipped slowly over to a pond, scooped some of the grimy water into two doggy bowls (don't ask) and put a handful of rocks and dirt into food bowls.

" Um, sorry to disappoint you Mr. Tree..sir. But we aren't puppy dogs." said Merry.

The tree blinked as if it was going to cry. "You're not?"

" No. We're hobbits." said Merry.

The tree smiled, "Oh!". He then strolled over to a vegetable garden, pulled out a carrot and handed it to Merry.

" Um, what is this?" asked Merry.

" A carrot, duh!" said Pippin before stealing it and taking a huge bite out of it.

" Yes but why a carrot?" asked Merry.

" Because you are hobbits." said the tree gleefully.

" So?"

" Well, the word hobbit sounds like another word for a rabbit, and rabbits eat carrots." answered the tree.

" But we're not rabbits either!" said Merry.

The tree furrowed his brow in thought. "Hmm, those are the only creatures I know of."

" Well, we..."

" Need your help to kill Sarumon!" finished Pippin.

" Wait, what?" asked Merry.

Pippin shrugged, "He owes me money."

Suddenly, a glowing figure appeared in front of the two hobbits.

" Who is that?!" asked Merry in fear.

" Oh! Oh! I like guessing games. Hmm...it's Galadriel!" screamed Pippin.

The bright light ceased and Gandalf appeared.

" Ohhhhhhh...it's Gandalf." sad Pippin.

Gandalf looked around.

" Crap! Teleported to the wrong spot again!"

He shook the object in his hand. "Stupid portal gun!"

" Yey! Gandalf, Gandalf!" cried Merry and Pippin as they ran towards Gandalf.

" No! Not you two!" screamed Gandalf.

" Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooo!"


	13. Frodo's 1 Fan

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord Of The Rings**

Frodo's #1 Fan

Frodo and Sam had been wandering about the mountain range for who knows how long, determined to destroy the One Ring without any setbacks. Unfortunately for them, this IS a book and setbacks occur whether they want them too or not.

Frodo looked up at the cloudy sky. "Hey Sam, do you know what time it is?"

Sam gazed down at his arm and drew out a crayon. "Darn! I have to draw a new watch."

Frodo walked around the next bend and sighed in frustration.

" We're walking in circles!"

" That may be the case for you." said Sam, "But I'm walking in squares."

" Sam! I told you to stop searching up 'Things To Do When You're Bored"! It's starting to put a downer on things."

" Well, it's not my fault my only hobbies are cooking and planting pretty flowers, and not nearly falling to my death on a mountain." said Sam.

" Actually, it kind-of...wait. Falling to death?"

Frodo looked in front of him just in time to prevent a fatal fall off a cliff.

" Eeeeeeek!" screamed Frodo as he jumped back away from the edge in terror.

" How to hell are we supposed to get down there?" asked Frodo.

" Easy." replied Sam. He jumped up and punched a floating brick and two Yoshis appeared.

" Good job, Sam. I think I have some dog treats around here or something." said Frodo sarcastically.

Suddenly, Sam's Yoshi stuck out his tongue and swallowed Frodo.

" Hey!" said Frodo.

Sam jumped on his Yoshi and bounced off the cliff. "Yahoo! It's a Mario time!"

Frodo groaned from inside the Yoshi.

When they landed on the ground after squashing a Gumba, the Yoshi spat out Frodo.

" Thank goodness!" said Frodo while the Yoshi shuddered and drank a whole bottle of mouthwash.

Sam, however, was patting his pockets frantically. "It's lost!" he wailed.

" What! What's lost?!" asked Frodo.

Sam ignored him and started running around looking for whatever it was. He checked behind a rock and sighed in relief.

" I found it." he said, holding up a tiny box of seasoning.

" Your saying that you freaked out about losing a tiny box of seasoning!" Frodo said incredulously.

" Hmmm, yes." said Sam cheerfully.

Frodo face-palmed himself.

Suddenly, something swooped past and snatched the tiny box out of Sam's hands.

" Hey!" yelled Sam.

The creature landed and flipped open the lid of the box.

" Hmm, what iss thisss preciousss?" the creature asked. It sniffed the contents and sneezed.

" Give that back!" said Sam as he ripped the box out of Gollum's hands. Gollum launched himself at Sam and Frodo wacked him aside with a baseball bat.

" No fairsssss!" wailed Gollum.

Frodo drew his sword and pressed it against Gollum's neck. "Not so tough are you now? Um, (searches Gollum's real name on Google) Smeagol?"

Gollum gasps and mutters, "Ssstupid internet. We curssse it, we curssse it. Mash it up and eat it for breakfassst. Oh yesss."

" Speaking of mashing, Happy Thanksgiving!" said Sam, displaying a Thanksgiving feast set up on the ground.

" Errr, Sam? Thanksgiving was last month." said Frodo while Gollum took this distraction to lick the sword pointed at his throat.

" Not if you're American!" said Sam happily.

" But Sam, we are neither Canadian nor American." argued Frodo.

" Sooo, we get to have TWO Thanksgivings!" said Sam.

Frodo rolled his eyes, but released Gollum and the three of them sat down around the feast.

" So, what do we have to eat?" asked Frodo.

" Well, we have raw potatoes, boiled potatoes, french fries, mashed potatoes, whipped potatoes, stewed potatoes, potato soup, potato ice-cream, potato pie,..." said Sam.

" What are potatoesss preciousss?" asked Gollum. He sniffed a french fry and took a tiny nibble out of it.

" Blah!" spat Gollum, " It'sss dry! Our throat isss drying up! Nassty potatoesss! We curssse them! We curssse them!"

Frodo laughed at the horrified look on Sam's face.

" Did you really curse my precious potatoes?" asked Sam. He quicky scooped up the bowl of mashed potatoes and started shaking it. "Are you okay?" he asked the bowl in a panicked tone.

" Sam, he wasn't being literal." said Frodo.

Sam looked confused, "What does literal mean?"

" It means...nevermind. I'll just buy you a dictionary for Christmas."

" What is a dictionary?" asked Sam.

Frodo face-palmed.

" Well," said Frodo, "I guess we better get going."

Gollum quickly grabbed onto Frodo's leg. "Going where preciousss?"

" To Mordor." answered Frodo, "I thought you already knew that from the last time you ran into us."

" Why would the hobbitsss want to vacation in Mordor preciousss? LesssWindow hasss an ice-cream stand."

" Oh, we aren't going on vacation." said Sam, "We're going to destroy the One Ring!"

" Hmmm, the One Ring...do you mean the preciousss?" asked Gollum in shock.

" I guess so. Why?"

" Can we come with the hobbitsss preciousss?" asked Gollum.

" No." said Frodo.

Gollum did a Puss-In-Boots face.

" Sorry freak-show. That only works if you're a cute little cat and not some mutant hairless dog." said Frodo.

" Dogesss? We are no dogesss. We are hobbit! Hobbit!"

To try to prove his point, Gollum stood up and attempted to walk, which ended up with him falling flat on his face in a bowl of potato stew.

" Sorry dude, you're not coming with us." said Frodo. Him and Sam packed up the feast and began walking away.

" Wait!" yelled Gollum, "We knowsss the way to Mordor!"

The two hobbbits stopped and turned around.

" Really?" asked Frodo.

" No." said Gollum.

Frodo turned away.

" But, we're your #1 fan!" said Gollum.

" You are?" asked Frodo.

" Yesss! We even knitted a T-sssshirt that saysss 'Frodo Baginsss isss awesssome!"

" Hmmm, besides the fact that you spelled 'Baggins' with only one 'G', it seems legit." said Frodo.

" But Mr. Frodo! I thought I was your #1 fan!" asked a pouting Sam.

" Sam, if you were my #1 fan, I would have jumped off a cliff long ago." said Frodo.

" Why?"

" Because as far as I know I'm the only person who talks to you." answered Frodo.

" Sssso, doesss thisss mean we get to come with you?" asked Smeagol.

" Yep!" said Frodo, "But we have to put a lease on you to make sure that you don't get lost."

" Awww s***." said Gollum.

" Hey! Watch the language or I'll have to boost the rating on this thing." said Frodo.

" We beeped it out!" said Gollum.

" Yeah, well, I'll keep an eye on you." said Frodo as he slipped the rope over Gollum's head and handed the other end to Sam.

" Come along now." said Frodo, "We have to get to Mordor about the same time as Aragorn leads his army to the Black Gate. But if we're too fast we'll have to take a detour."

Gollum stopped to sniff the ground and Sam yanked the rope, causing him to fall on the ground.

Sam smiled, "I think I'm going to enjoy this."


	14. I've Got A Dream! And Awful Singing

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord Of The Rings**

I've Got A Dream! And Aweful Singing

Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas arrived at Edoras in the usual manner. By falling off their horse.

" Hey!" yelled Aragorn as Legolas and Gimli's horse crashed into his.

" Sorry!" said Legolas, "But Gandalf's horse won't stop farting, and our horse just couldn't stand the smell."

" Who knew that rainbows would smell that bad." coughed Gimli.

" Halt! Who goes there?!" yelled a guard up on the wall.

" Your face!" yelled Gimli.

The guard shot an arrow at him, and Gimli leisurely stepped out of the way.

" Someone's got anger issues I see." said Gimli, "I thought it was just Aragorn and Voldemort."

" Hey!" said Aragorn. He drew his sword and pointed it at Gimli.

" Take it back!" he yelled.

Gimli rolled his eyes. "You just proved my point, stupid."

Gandalf decided that it would be best if he took over from there.

" Good man of Rohan, won't you let us through?" asked Gandalf.

" Not unless you say 'please'." said the guard.

" What, are you in grade school or something?!" Gimli asked sarcastically.

" Obviously." said Legolas, "He doesn't appear to have a proper manicure. That is the Elven way to show that you are a man."

Everyone (including the guard) looked at Legolas strangely.

" Okay." said Gimli awkwardly.

" Well, anyway, you can't come in." said the guard and he walked away.

" Now what?" asked Legolas, "I sense that rain is coming, and it'll ruin my perfectly styled hair!"

Aragorn walked up to the door and knocked on it. Then he ran away.

" Aragorn! This is no time to be playing 'Nicki Nicki Nine Doors'!" said Gandalf.

" Awww." whined Aragorn.

He walked up to the door.

"Open sesame!" Aragorn ordered.

Nothing happened.

Aragorn plopped down on the ground. " Well, I'm out of ideas."

Gandalf rolled his eyes at Aragorn and drew out his portal gun, shooting one hole on the gate and the other over it.

" Good idea Gandalf! Exactly what I was thinking!" said Aragorn.

Gandalf face-palmed and jumped into the portal, the others following suit.

They arrived in Edoras and began walking towards the Golden Hall, the people of Edoras staring at them as they went by.

" Mommy," they heard a little kid whisper, "Is that the travelling circus?"

" Hey!" shouted Legolas, and Gandalf quickly ushered him along.

Meanwhile, Aragorn was peering up at a figure standing up by hall.

" Hey, is that Galadriel?"

" No," said Gandalf, "That is the White Lady of Rohan."

" Not the most creative name I've heard." said Aragorn.

" Yeah, not to mention Gandalf's various names. Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, Gaundi,..." said Gimli.

" Gaundi?" said Gandalf.

" Yeah something like that."

The figure caught sight of the travellers and ran inside.

" Where'd she go?" asked Aragorn.

" I bet she smelled you." joked Gimli.

" Don't joke about that. The smell police are always listening." said Aragorn.

" You mean they're always sniffing." said Gimli.

They had finally reached the Golden Hall.

" Halt!" ordered a guard. "I need to see your passports!"

" What the hell is a passport?" whispered Aragorn.

The guard heard that and stepped in front of Aragorn.

" No passport! No entry!" he bellowed.

" Here." said Aragorn, giving the guard a box.

" What the hell is this?" asked the guard.

" It's the $400 Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak off Amazon." said Aragorn.

" Go right in." said the guard, examining the cloak.

" Sweet." said Aragorn.

The four travellers walked into the Golden Hall, Legolas looking around in disgust. The walls were grimy the lighting was dim and the entire place smelled like cow manure.

" Who's there!" yelled someone in a crackly voice. "It's time for King Theoden's story time!"

" I am Gandalf, and I am here to talk to King Theoden!" replied Gandalf.

" Well come back tomorrow! Me and my best friend King Theoden are going to play Battleship!" said the voice.

" This is an urgent matter that cannot wait until you are done playing Battleship." said Gandalf.

The man scuttled out into the light. He was short and about as grimy and smelly as the room itself.

" Well since you made me lose my page, you might as well tell us what is so very important." said the man.

" Sarumon is using his vodoo magic to control the King, and I am here to help him." stated Gandalf.

" I believe you are mistaken." said the man nervously, "There's nothing wrong here."

King Theoden mumbled on his throne.

The lady the travellers had seen walked up to Theoden.

" Hi Eowyn!" said Grima happily, " Do you want to play Battleship too? I'll let you win."

Eowyn gave him a weird look. "No. I just came to give uncle his Cheerios."

Gandalf walked foreward.

" What's going on here?" Eowyn asked, "Who are these people?"

" Sarumon! Release the King from your control!" ordered Gandalf.

" No!" yelled Sarumon from Theoden.

" What the..." said Eowyn.

" Let him go or else I'll force you to eat your vegetables!"

" No!" said Sarumon stubbornly. "You're not my mom!"

" Let him go or else I'll TELL your mom to force you to eat your vegetables!" yelled Gandalf.

" You wouldn't dare!" gasped Sarumon.

Gandalf drew out his cell phone.

" All right! All right!" said Sarumon, releasing the King.

Theoden staggered foreward and fell, Eowyn catching him before he hit the ground.

" Oh crap." said Gandalf, "I, errrr, have to go."

He quickly ran out of the hall.

Eowyn looked down at the travellers. "I didn't think my uncle would die. I always dreamed that he would get better and let me join the Rohirrum, even though he would probably make me stay home and do house-hold chores instead."

Suddenly, Theoden lifted his head.

" I have a dream."

He suddenly stood up and faced Grima.

" I'm malicious mean and scary. My sneer could curdle dairy. And violence-wise my hands are not the cleanest. But despite my wicked sword and my hair-do and my throne, I'd really like to be a concert pianist!"

Gimli leaned over to Aragorn.

" Let's be thankful Pippin's not here." he whispered.

Unfortunately for them, Grima decided to get in on the song.

" I've got scars and lumps and bruises, plus something here that oozes. And let's not even mention my complexion." sang Grima in his crackly voice.

" Yes, let's not." whispered Legolas in disgust.

" Oh my Valar." said Gimli in horror, "He sings worse than Pippin!"

" But despite my extra toes, and my goitre, and my nose. I'd really like to make a love connection!" continued Grima, while Eowyn retched.

Then some of the Rohirrum stepped foreward.

" Tor would like to quit and be a florist!

Gunther does interior design!

Ulf is into mime!

Atilla's cupcakes are sublime!

Bruiser knits, Killer sews, Fang does little puppet shows!

And Vladimir collects ceramic unicorns!"

"*cough* Brony." whispered Eowyn.

Everyone turned to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli.

" What's your dream?" King Theoden asked menacingly.

" Sorry boys. Singing's not cool." said Aragorn.

Everyone pointed their swords at him.

" Uhhh, Legolas wants to be a Barbie Girl, Gimli wants to be a Ghost-Buster, and I would like to go to the bathroom." said Aragorn.

" Your dream sucks." Theoden told Aragorn.

Aragorn shrugged.

" I've got a dream! I've got a dream! I just want to go a kill the Witch King! But my uncle will not let me, 'cause he says I must do laundry. But deep down deep inside I've got a dream!" sang Eowyn.

" Yes way down deep inside we've got a dream!" everyone sang.

Suddenly Gandalf came back in.

" So, what did I miss?"


	15. We All Scream For Ice-Cream

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord Of The Rings**

We All Scream For Ice-Cream

"Gandalf! Gandalf! Gandalf!"

Gandalf sighed, "Ugh, what?"

"We're in a forest Gandalf!" said Pippin.

Gandalf face-palmed himself.

"You've been saying that for the last 5 hours. Give it a rest."

"Don't worry Gandalf, he did this to me last time." said Merry.

"Yes, but why does he have to say my name a thousand times?!" asked Gandalf.

"But Gandalf, you're an old man and we have to repeat your name to you so that you won't forget it." said Merry seriously.

Pippin skipped up to a pine tree and sniffed it, before sneezing and skipping over to another tree. After about 3 minutes of allergic reactions, he skipped back to Gandalf.

"I think I'm allergic to pine trees." said Pippin.

"No, really?" said Gandalf sarcastically.

"Yeah!" said Pippin.

"Errr, Pippin? I was being sarcastic."

Pippin didn't seem to hear him and began petting a boulder.

"Come along Pippin." said Gandalf.

"But this is my pet rock Tommy!" cried Pippin.

"So?"

"I can't leave him here! He'll be lonely!"

Gandalf sighed, and with a quick motion of his hands pulled the boulder out of the ground.

"Yay!" cheered Pippin.

"Here you go." said Gandalf, straining under the weight of the boulder.

"Na, you can keep it." said Pippin as Gandalf collapsed under the rock.

Meanwhile, Merry was swinging from tree to tree screaming "I'm Tarzan!" at the top of his lungs.

"Merry! Get down from there now!" shouted Gandalf.

"What if I don't want to?" asked Merry.

"Then I will leave you there and let the Leoplurodon eat you!" Gandalf replied.

Merry shrieked and jumped back onto the ground.

"I've got his portal gun!" yelled Pippin.

"You have my WHAT!" yelled Gandalf, whirling around.

Pippin held the gun above his head and shot a hole into the sky.

"Don't you dare shoot the second hole Peregrin Took!" said Gandalf.

Pippin shot another hole at his feet and jumped in.

Gandalf looked up, "What the...?!" as Pippin fell from the sky, squashing Gandalf beneath him.

Pippin sighed, "Looks like my science theory was wrong. Gandalf doesn't double as a trampoline."

Gandalf groaned.

Merry skipped over.

"Hey Gandalf. Can we pwease go to Dairy Queen for ice-cream?" he asked.

"Yeah Dairy Queen, Gandalf! It's a land of sweets and joy, and joyness." chimed in Pippin.

"No." said Gandalf.

"Or, I could sing a song!" said Pippin cheerfully.

"Not a song..."

"Step 1: Try not to be so self-conscious, 2: Shift your weight into your haunches, 3: Give a leap into the air and, 4: Just forget your parents are both dead!" sang Pippin.

"All right! All right! I'll take the two of you to Dairy Queen." said Gandalf.

"Yay!" cheered the two hobbits.

"ABCDFGQ, I'M A HOBBIT SO ARE YOU!" Pippin sang.

"First off, that's not even a real song. Second, you sang the alphabet wrong." sighed Gandalf.

Pippin gave him a confused look. "No I didn't."

"You're telling me that you don't even know the alphabet?"

"Yep. I failed kindergarten."

Gandalf laughed. "How do you fail KINDERGARTEN?!"

"Well, first I couldn't tell purple from red. Then, I only knew how to count to 3 and didn't know what all of these 6's and 4's kids were talking about. And once I fell asleep for an entire week at school while listening to the teacher read a story during Story Time." explained Pippin.

"That explains a lot." said Gandalf.

"Hey! I found a Dairy Queen!" said Merry.

"Yippee!" squealed Pippin.

The two hobbits bolted through the door and started ordering everything off the menu.

"I'll have a chocolate-dipped cone, a burger, three Diet-Cokes,..."

"Merry! Pippin! Don't.."

_Ding!_

"That'll be $500, sir." said the cashier.

"Grrrrrrrrr!" said Gandalf in frustration. He handed over his credit card while Merry and Pippin stuffed themselves with sugar.

Pippin took one sip of his Diet Coke and started bouncing off the walls, literally.

"Weee! I'm Spider-Pippin!" he squealed.

"I'm Lightning McQueen!" yelled Merry and started running around the restaurant.

The staff cowered behind the counter as the two hobbits continued to rampage the restaurant. One of the staff began pulling out his cell-phone.

Thankfully, Gandalf noticed and dragged the two hobbits out of the Dairy Queen before the staff called the police.

"I swear, one day you two are gonna end up in jail." said Gandalf, shaking his head.

"Uncle Gandalf." said Pippin, tugging on Gandalf's robe.

"Argh! What?!"

"Could you pwease take us to Middle-Earth Wonderland next?" asked Pippin.

"No!" yelled Gandalf.

"Awww." said Merry and Pippin.

"How about we play a game instead?" offered Gandalf.

"Yay!" cheered the hobbits.

"It's called 'Let's see who can be quiet the longest'."

The hobbit's faces fell.

"That game sucks." said Merry.

"On the count of three. One..."

"Oh no! He's counting!" whispered Merry.

"Two..."

"He's already at two! Who knows how many more numbers we have until he reaches three." said Pippin nervously.

"Three!"

The hobbits took a deep breath and shut their mouths.

Gandalf smiled and kept walking.

Suddenly, something caught Pippin's eye.

"Look Merry! It's the magic tree-house!" cried Pippin.

"Yay! The magic tree-house has come to save us!" said Merry.

The two hobbits scurried over to the tree and climbed the rope ladder.

"What the hell? A magic tree-house?" said Gandalf.

Pippin picked up a copy of The Return Of The King.

"I want to go there!" he said.

The tree-house began to spin.

"Wheeeeeeeee!" said Merry and Pippin happily before the tree-house vanished.

"What the...? Merry? Pippin? Stop fooling around you two! I'm going to be late to scare Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli!" shouted Gandalf.

A whooshing noise came and Merry and Pippin's 'Wheeeeees!' became audible again as the tree-house spun into existence.

"That was fun!" said Pippin.

"Yeah! Did you see Denethor jump off of Minas Tirith? I should've brought more popcorn!" laughed Merry.

Gandalf sighed. "Great! You messed with time. Now who knows what might occur due to your actions."

"Hey! I've messed with time before, and there have been no noticeable consequences." said Pippin.

Gandalf face-palmed.

Pippin sniffed the air, "Do you smell nachos?"

"Seriously Pippin? You just ate." said Gandalf.

Pippin shrugged.

At that moment, a familiar figure came lumbering into the area.

"Treebeard!" yelled Merry and Pippin happily.

Treebeard grinned. "Are ya ready kids!"

"Aie aie captain!"

"I can't hear you!"

"Aie aie captain!"

"Ooooooooooohhhhhhhh..."

"Er, okay." interrupted Gandalf, "I see that you three will get along great. I'm just gonna go scare Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. Treebeard, you baby-sit them. See ya!"

Gandalf shot a portal and disappeared.

"Free! I'm free!" he cried.

The hobbits and Treebeard looked at each other.

"Should we start from the top?"


	16. The Legend Of Frodo

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord Of The Rings**

The Legend Of Frodo

At the moment, the two hobbits and the one dis-formed, corrupted hobbit were travelling across the marshes on their way to the Black Gate.

"Weee!" said Gollum as he frolicked around in the puddles that had formed in the soft ground.

"Ewwww!" cried Sam as some of the murky water drenched his cloak.

"Honestly Sam? You've nearly drowned in a river and you're worried about a little water on your cloak?" said Frodo.

Gollum crawled over to Sam and placed something soggy into his hand.

"Ewww, what is this?!" asked Sam in disgust.

"It'sss a rabbit! I'sss killed it." Gollum said proudly.

Sam shrieked and threw the dead rabbit out into the water.

Gollum immediately jumped into the water and started doggy-paddling over to the rabbit and brought it back to Sam, panting like a dog.

"Looks like Gollum`s going to be your new pet, Sam." laughed Frodo.

Sam looked horrified.

"But what about my other pets?! What about Rosy the goldfish, or Rosy the cat, or Rosy the hamster? What will they think about another pet?!"asked Sam.

"Errr, Sam? Are you THAT obsessed with Rosy?" asked Frodo.

"Maybe." said Sam sheepishly.

Frodo looked around.

"Hey! Where`s Gollum?"

They spotted Gollum swimming towards them dragging something big along with him.

"Merry Chrisssmasss hobbitsss!" said Gollum happily.

"Gollum? Is that a... tree?" asked Frodo uncertainly.

"Yesss precioussss! It isss a tree, yessss!" answered Gollum.

"How did you manage to find an evergreen tree in the middle of a marsh?!" asked Frodo.

"Wesssssssssss ordered it off Amazon!" said Gollum happily, "Wesssssssss got free shipping too!"

"Uh, Gollum? How exactly did you manage to pay for this?" asked Sam.

Gollum held up a brown leather wallet.

"Hey!" yelled Sam, "That's MY wallet!"

"Nope! It'sss my wallet now, precioussss. Gollum! Gollum!" said Gollum triumphantly.

Sam began chasing Gollum around, grabbing wildly for his wallet before giving up.

"Fine! Keep my stinkin' wallet!" yelled Sam.

Gollum didn't hear him. He had lost interest in the wallet and was now using dead animals and frying pans to decorate the tree.

"On the firsst day of Chrisssstmassss the preciousss gave to me! Two juicy fisssshessss and a precioussss in a pear tree!" sang Gollum.

"Please stop singing." groaned Frodo, "I thought I was done with singing after the Fellowship split up."

"Just be thankful that it isn't Pippin singing, Mr. Frodo." said Sam

"We are done with the tree, hobbitssss." said Gollum.

If it was even possible, the tree looked even worse than the marsh. Its branches were all covered with dead animal carcasses and Gollum had used Sam's teddy bear as the tree topper.

"Mr. Snufflekins!" cried Sam.

"Errr, nice tree Gollum." said Frodo, trying not to offend their guide.

Gollum grinned.

"Presssent Time!"

Gollum pulled two packages out from under the tree and handed one to Frodo and one to Sam.

Frodo unwrapped his.

"A calender? What good will this be if I can't even remember what month it is?!" said Frodo.

"Ooh! Ooh! I wonder what I got!" said Sam excitedly. He tore open his present.

"Hey! This is just my wallet you stole earlier!" yelled Sam.

"Merry Chrissstmasss!" said Gollum.

Sam glared at him.

"Um...guys? I think we better get going." suggested Frodo.

The sun was beginning to set and the party had hardly made any progress in the trek across the swamp.

"Okie Dokie master Bagginssss!" said Gollum, "Let's go then!"

Gollum scampered over to Sam's travelling pack and pulled out a jar.

"What's that for?" asked Frodo.

"Don't tell me you ordered another thing off Amazon." groaned Sam.

Gollum grinned at the hobbits and pulled off the lid.

"_Hey! Listen!"_

"Arrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!" yelled the hobbits. They cowered behind a bush.

"What IS that?!" asked Frodo.

"It'sssss Navi, precioussss!" replied Gollum happily.

"You mean that annoying faerie from Legend Of Zelda?" asked Frodo.

"Mr. Frodo? I didn't know you played video games." said Sam.

"_Hey! Listen!" _Navi said again.

"Arrrgggghhhh!" yelled the hobbits.

"Navi will lead usssss through the fog, yessss precioussss sssshe will."said Gollum. He scampered ahead.

"Come on hobbitsssss! Long way to go yessss!"

Frodo and Sam followed a safe distance behind Gollum.

"Mr. Frodo?" said Sam.

"Yeah."

"What's a faerie?"

Frodo sighed and handed Sam a dictionary.

"Merry Christmas."

Sam flipped eagerly through the book.

"_Hey! Watch out!"_ said Navi.

Frodo looked too late and tripped over a log, falling face-first into a deep section of the marsh.

He looked around underwater. Green spirits were floating among the reeds, their ghostly hands grabbing for him. Then, three ghosts materialized in front of him, scaring away the others.

"Who the hell are you?!" asked Frodo in his head.

"We are the ghosts of Christmas Past, Christmas Present, and Christmas Future." answered the ghosts.

"You can read my mind?"

"Hell yeah." said the ghost of Christmas Present. The Future ghost kicked him.

"I mean, Yes." corrected the Present ghost.

"Let me guess. You guys are going to fly me around to different Christmases in my life in order to scare the crap out of me and turn me into a happy psycho like Pippin." said Frodo.

"Whoa. He's good." said the Present ghost in awe.

"Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen." said Frodo, and he climbed out of the water.

"Mr. Frodo! Are you okay?" asked Sam.

"I'm fine." replied Frodo.

"_Watch out!" _said Navi.

Frodo tensed.

Nothing happened.

"Hey Gollum! I think Navi's broken!" yelled Frodo.

Navi flew in circles around Sam's head.

"Pretty light." said Sam.

"Don't follow the lightssss, preciousss!" cried Gollum.

"Um, he was talking about Navi, not the lights in the marshes." said Frodo.

"Oh. Well, that light issss fine, jussst don't follow any other lightssss." said Gollum.

The two hobbits nodded and followed Gollum and Navi into the mist.


	17. The Hot Chocolate Chugging Contest

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord Of The Rings**

The Hot Chocolate Chugging Contest

After Gandalf came in, King Theoden turned to Grima.

"You are no longer needed as my playtime buddy. I have new playtime buddies." he said, gesturing happily to Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf.

Grima burst into tears and ran out of the hall.

Aragorn sniffed the air.

"Does anyone else smell fruitcake?" he asked.

Legolas and Gimli sniffed the air.

"Nope, but I do smell hot chocolate." replied Gimli.

Then, a slow smile crept up Gimli's face.

"Man with scary beard is scaring me." said Legolas worriedly.

"Hey Legolas! I challenge you to a hot chocolate chugging contest!" said Gimli.

"No." said Legolas.

"Whoever wins gets the others weapon." said Gimli, setting his axe down on the table.

Legolas stared at the axe.

"O.K.!"

Legolas set his bow and quiver of arrows down on the table.

"Bring out twenty mugs of steaming hot chocolate for me and...this person!" yelled Gimli.

The chef immediately brought out two trays, each with ten mugs of hot chocolate. He set them down in front of Legolas and Gimli.

"One, two, three, GO!"

Gimli began chugging down his hot chocolate.

Legolas took a sip of his and immediately spit it back out.

"HOT!" he screamed. He ran over to the fire alarm and pulled it, drinking the water as it fell down from the ceiling.

"Wahoo! I won!" cheered Gimli as everyone besides Legolas began running around screaming.

Someone flipped off the water and everything went back to normal.

Gimli plucked Legolas' bow and arrows off the table.

"Guess these are mine now." he gloated.

Legolas glared at him.

"I want a rematch!" said Legolas.

"No," said Gimli, "I won fair and square."

"But you'll probably win anyway." said Legolas.

Gimli took the bait. "Okay then."

"One, two, three, GO!"

Legolas and Gimli began furiously drinking their hot chocolate. Gimli looked up to see how far Legolas had gotten, and saw him sitting there smiling with empty hot chocolate mugs all around him.

"What the..." said Gimli.

Legolas grinned, "The hot chocolate cooled down."

Legolas grabbed the axe and his bow and arrows back from Gimli.

"Guess these are mine now." he said, mimicking Gimli.

Aragorn grabbed a mug of hot chocolate from Gimli and drank it in one gulp. He set his mug down hard on the table.

"WAITER! I WANT A REFILL!" ordered Aragorn.

_Nine hours later_

Aragorn lifted his head off of the table, holding an empty mug in his hand.

"Yolo." he muttered randomly.

He looked around at the empty hall.

"What the frick happened?" he muttered to himself.

He got up and walked towards the door.

"I'm at at payphone, 'cause I don't have a cellphone, somebody stole it from me..." he sang.

Then he heard a scream.

Aragorn jumped and ran towards the direction the sound came from. He drew his sword.

"Evil doer! Prepare to meet your maker! I'm Link!" he screamed.

"Aragorn? What the frick is your problem?" asked Eowyn.

Aragorn turned around.

"Eowyn? Why the frick is your bedroom the throne room?"

"Because uncle didn't have enough money to extend the castle-thing."

"Oh. So, why did you scream?" asked Aragorn, "Is there anybody I need to kill?"

"Nope, I was just having a bad dream." said Eowyn simply.

"That's stupid. See ya!" said Aragorn, walking towards the exit.

"Wait! What if I have another bad dream?" she asked.

"Then go annoy your brother, and not someone as cool as me." replied Aragorn.

"Wait a minute, what day is it?" asked Eowyn.

"It's December 24, Christmas Eve." said Aragorn, "Why?"

Eowyn clapped her hands happily.

"Yay! Want to stay up and wait for Santa Claus?" she asked.

"No, that's lame." said Aragorn.

"STAY UP WITH ME AND WAIT FOR SANTA OR I'LL KILL YOU!" screamed Eowyn.

"Alright! Fine. Take a chill pill." said Aragorn

"Yay!" squealed Eowyn. She bolted over to the Christmas tree and sat down in front of it.

Aragorn sighed. "I hope I get payed for this." he thought to himself.

He joined Eowyn in front of the tree.

"Err, what exactly do we do while waiting for Santa?" he asked.

"I don't know, I've always just sat and stared at the tree all night." she relpied.

"That's boring!" whined Aragorn. He flipped open his cellphone and started playing World Of Warcraft.

"Whatcha doing?" asked Eowyn.

"Playing World Of Warcraft." answered Aragorn.

"Can I play?"

"No."

Eowyn took a deep breath and prepared to scream.

"Okay! God." said Aragorn, handing his cellphone to Eowyn.

"Yay!" she cheered.

_An hour later_

"DIE! DIE!" screamed Eowyn, furiously killing creatures on her game.

Aragorn sighed and flicked an ornament.

"I'm on level 25!" said Eowyn.

"What!?" yelled Aragorn.

Then they heard a thump on the roof.

"What the hell was that?!" asked Aragorn.

Eowyn beamed, "Santa Claus!"

Aragorn laughed, "That's stupid. There's no such thing as Santa Claus."

Suddenly, Santa Claus fell down the chimney.

"HO! HO! HO!" Santa laughed.

Aragorn's jaw dropped.

"Santa!" said Eowyn, giving the old man a hug.

"Hello little girl! Here's that sword you asked for." he said, hand Eowyn a sword.

"Yeah. Arming little kids. Real smart." said Aragorn sarcastically.

"Who are you?" asked Santa.

"I'm Aragorn, swag master. And per chance do you have an elf named Legolas?"

"Oh yes. Your the one who said I wasn't real." said Santa.

"Aragorn's a non-believer! Shuuuun. Shuuuuun." said Eowyn.

"And since you don't believe in me, you won't get those cool shades you asked for." said Santa.

"What?! Please give me my shades! I'll do anything!" begged Aragorn.

"Oh okay." said Santa. He reached into his bag and pulled out a lamp shade with fire decails around the rim.

"Hey! This isn't what I asked for! I wanted shades as in sunglasses, not shades as in a lamp shade!" said Aragorn.

"Oops. Sorry kid. I'll try to get it right next year." said Santa. He waved to Eowyn and disappeared back up the chimney.

"Wasn't that amazing Aragorn?" asked Eowyn happily.

"Yeah," said Aragorn sarcastically, staring at his lamp shade, "Amazing."

**Merry Christmas everybody! :)**


	18. It's Raining Gumballs!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord Of The Rings**

It's Raining Gumballs!

"IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL!" sang Pippin for the hundredth time.

"Hey Pippin? Could you please pass me the nails?" asked Merry, holding a wooden board to one of Treebeard's branches.

The hobbits were attempting to build a tree house out of Treebeard, but Treebeard just thought that they were giving him an acupuncture treatment.

Pippin handed Merry a bag of toenail clippings. "Here you go!"

"Not THAT kind of nails Pippin!" shouted Merry, dropping to bag in disgust.

Pippin swung down onto Treebeard's nose.

"Hey, Treebeard! Did you ever live in a cake?" asked Pippin.

Treebeard scrunched up his eyebrows in confusion and crossed his eyes to get Pippin in view.

"No, I don't believe so." he replied.

"I did." said Pippin cheerfully, "Until I ate it, that is."

"Is there anything you don't eat?" asked Merry.

"Nope." said Pippin.

He then climbed back onto Treebeard's head and opened his cellphone, lifting it up to get a good connection.

"Whatcha doing Pippin?" asked Merry curiously.

"I'm haunting Legolas with the Happy Cow!" Pippin replied.

"The what?"

"The Happy Cow! You know? HAPPY COW! HAPPY COW! EVERYWHERE YOU GO! HAPPY COW! HAPPY COW! TAKE IT TO AND FRO!" screamed Pippin, causing a flock of birds to fly out of a nearby tree.

Merry winced. "I think my ears are bleeding."

"CHICKEN!" screamed Pippin randomly.

Akward silence.

Pippin suddenly gasped and jumped off of Treebeard's head. He ran over to a patch of ferns and started whacking them with a stick.

"Pippin! What the frick are you doing?!" asked Merry.

Pippin picked up a green rupee.

"Getting some money." he said happily.

Merry looked at his watch.

"Pippin! It's depression hour!" yelled Merry.

Pippin's grin suddenly changed to a solemn and, well, depressed expression.

"I'll never be president!" wailed Pippin.

"I'll never learn how to tie my shoe!" cried Merry.

"I want to be a goldfish!" screamed Pippin.

Merry looked at his watch again.

"Okay, depression hour's over."

"Wait, that wasn't even a full hour." said Treebeard.

"Whatever." said Merry.

"I think the most depressing thing that ever happened to me is when those five hobbits created a band and tortured us all with annoying songs like 'One Ring' and 'That's What Makes You Aragorn'." said Pippin.

The two hobbits shuddered.

Suddenly, a gumball hit Pippin on the head.

"Ow!" exclaimed Pippin.

"Hey! A gumball!" said Merry, popping it in his mouth.

The hobbits looked up and saw millions of gumballs falling from the sky.

"Yay! Candy!" squealed the two hobbits, snatching gumballs out of the air and chewing them by the hundreds.

When the rain ended, Pippin and Merry had built a huge ball of chewed-up gum out of all of the gumballs.

"I wanna name it Gummy!" said Pippin happily, giving the gum a huge and getting stuck in the process.

Treebeard yanked the hobbits out of the gum and set them on his shoulder.

"We need to go little hobbits. You need some rest. I know a place that will be perfect!" he said.

"Awww."

"I'm bored already! Can we watch T.V.?" asked Merry.

"Treebeard does not have a T.V." said Treebeard, in third person for some reason.

"Aw, but I wanted to watch Wheel Of Torture!" cried Pippin, throwing a temper tantrum.

Suddenly, a giant lizard fell from the sky.

"What the heck is that?" asked Merry.

"I think it's called a Blizzard." replied Pippin.

The lizard stood up on its back legs and brushed itself off.

"Hello! My name is Dodongo and I'm a travelling vacuum salesman. Can I interest you in one? Our vacuums really 'suck'." the lizard said, holding up an old-fashion vacuum cleaner.

"We'll take twenty!" said Pippin.

The lizard grinned and handed over the vacuums.

"That'll be $500 please." he said.

"Er, we don't have that much money." said Merry.

The lizard frowned and glared at the two hobbits.

"Then I guess I'll be taking those back." he said menacingly.

"Treebeard step on him!" yelled Pippin.

Treebeard lifted his foot and squashed the lizard.

"Whew! That was a close one." said Merry.

"We are here little hobbits!" said Treebeard, setting Merry and Pippin down on the ground.

"Hey! Watch it!"

The hobbits looked down to see a tiny Gingerbread boy.

"Who are you?" asked Merry.

"My name's Gingy! And I..."

Suddenly, Pippin snatched the Gingerbread boy and bit off it's head.

"Pippin!" cried Merry, "I was going to keep it as a pet!"

Pippin shrugged.

"At least I ate the head first. That way we won't have to hear it scream."

Treebeard, off in his own little world, decided to sit down and ponder the purpose of the Wii U.

"It seems to work the same as a normal Wii, only it has a different controller. But the controllers for the old Wii can also be used with it. So, in a way, it is the same as a normal Wii." Treebeard thought out loud.

"I like the Wii U." said Merry, joining in the discussion. "The controller is heavier, so it does more damage when Pippin and I randomly chuck it at Gandalf`s head.

"Hey guys! Wanna play 'Truth Or Dare'?" asked Pippin.

"What's 'Truth Or Dare'?" said Treebeard.

"I'll start!" yelled Merry.

He pointed at Pippin.

"Truth or Dare." he said.

"Dare!" said Pippin.

"I dare you to read a book." cried Merry triumphantly.

Pippin's smile turned to a look of absolute horror.

"What?! Nooooooooooooooooo!" screamed Pippin.

"Then I guess you lose." said Merry.

"Okay! Okay! I'll do it! What do I have to read?"

Merry threw a book to Pippin.

"What is it?" asked Pippin.

"Twilight." Merry said smugly.

Pippin gave a terrified screech and dropped the book as if it were made of acid.

"No! You can't make me read it!"

"Yay! I win!" said Merry, clapping his hands.

"We Hufflepuffs are very good finders." said Treebeard randomly.

"Treebeard! I want to build an igloo!" yelled Pippin.

"But, it is the middle of summer, Master Perigrin." said Treebeard.

"I want to build an igloo!" Pippin screamed.

Merry looked at his watch.

"Pippin, depression hour hasn't started yet." he said.

"How about now?" asked Pippin.

"Yep!" replied Merry.

"I'll never go to Mexico!"

"I'll never see the Easter Bunny!"

"I'LL NEVER LEARN MY ABC'S!"

Merry grinned.

"We'll never shut up!"

"PEANUT BUTTER!" screamed Pippin.


	19. Another Detour

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord Of The Rings**

Another Detour

After 3 days and 20 splitting migraines, Frodo had just about enough of Navi.

"Arghhh! Gollum, can we please get rid of that faerie?!" yelled Frodo.

"No!" hissed Gollum.

"Muffins!" said Navi.

"But she hasn't been any use to us whatsoever!" argued Frodo.

"Muffins!" said Navi.

"But Mr. Frodo! Navi's my nightlight!" said Sam.

"Yes, and her blinding light is like a beacon saying 'Hey Sauron! Guess where the Ring-Bearer is?'"

"Muffins!" said Navi.

"Will you shut up about muffins!" screamed Frodo.

Navi fluttered silently in mid-air.

Frodo blinked.

"Watch out." said Navi.

"Oh yeah right. Like I'm going to fall for that one..."

"Nazgul!" screamed Sam, bending protectively above his kitchen supplies.

Frodo looked up to see a large black shape swooping above the marshes.

"Oh crap." said Frodo.

Gollum looked up at the Nazgul, then turned back the pond where he was fishing from as if it were no big deal.

Frodo dived into the bushes to hide and watched as the Nazgul landed.

"Did somebody order a large pepperoni and fish pizza?" asked the Nazgul.

"We did!" said Gollum, looking hungrily at the pizza.

"That'll be $1.00 please."

Gollum looked around.

"We don't havessss any moneyssss. Wouldn't you rather have a delicioussss faerie?" said Gollum.

"Sure!" said the Nazgul eagerly.

"Yes!" whispered Frodo.

"Muffins!" said Navi.

"Ahhhh!" screamed Sam, who was still running around in circles.

"What's wrong with that guy?" asked the Nazgul.

"Lotsss of thingssss." replied Gollum.

"Well, I'll be off then." said the Nazgul, stuffing Navi into a jar and taking off.

Gollum flipped open the pizza box and started messily consuming its contents.

Sam stopped screaming and looked at the pizza.

"Can I have some?" he asked.

"NO! No pizza for the fat hobbit. It's ours! Ours! My precioussssss!" screamed Gollum.

"Okay then...Well, since the impending danger is gone, we can finally get back on track." said Frodo, crawling out from his hiding place.

"Awww, do we really have to get back to the story line? I liked goofing off." whined Sam.

"Yes. Now come on."

The majority of the journey to the Black Gate passed in silence, due to the fact that Frodo suggested they play Ghost Town. However, Sam thought it was a brilliant idea to play with blindfolds on, which slowed them down a bit.

"Okay guys, we're here." announced Frodo.

"Ha! Frodo lost!" said Sam who, realizing his mistake, quickly slapped his hands over his mouth.

"Smeagol winssss!" said Smeagol triumphantly.

"Shut up!" he hissed to himself.

Frodo and Sam stared at him blankly.

"Hehe." Gollum laughed nervously.

Frodo and Sam turned their attention back to...the gate?

"It's just a wooden garden fence!" exclaimed Frodo, "Why, it barely even reaches my shoulder!"

Gollum tapped his shoulder and pointed to the horizon.

"Mr. Frodo look! There's the real Black Gate." said Sam.

Frodo whacked his own face down on the fence.

"Oh s***." he groaned.

"Sssssshhh! Masster, keep thisss K+." said Gollum, happy to catch Frodo making the same mistake that he made.

"Shut up." said Frodo.

"You know what this calls for?" said Sam.

"Oh god what?!" asked Frodo.

"Nyan cat time!"

A few seconds of 'Nyan Cat' music later...

"Wow. We got here quickly." said Sam, gazing at the Black Gate.

"Oh death take my hearing first!" cried Frodo dramatically.

"Hey! That's what everyone says at a Justin Bieber concert." said Sam.

A loud horn was blown and the Gate opened, allowing some ninja-looking guys to enter Mordor.

"Hey! It's Boromir!" yelled Sam, referring to the Horn of Gondor.

The entering army stopped and turned to the direction of Sam's voice.

Frodo yanked him behind a boulder.

"Sam! You pretty much just blew our cover! And by the way, Boromir's dead." hissed Frodo.

"What?! Boromir's dead?!" said Sam sadly.

Frodo face-palmed.

"They're coming!" whispered Gollum, "Hide the preciousss!".

Frodo flung his elven cloak over Sam, Gollum, and himself as two of the ninja-guys came to investigate.

"Camo, camo, camouflage. Painting camo, camo, camouflage." sang Sam quietly.

"Sam shut up!" hissed Frodo.

The two guards stood in front of what now resembled a large boulder.

"I thought I heard voices." said Guard #1.

"I told you it was nothing!" replied Guard #2, "You're just paranoid."

"Hello!" yelled Sam.

The guards stared at the 'rock' in shock.

"Did that rock just talk?" asked Guard #1.

"I believe so." said Guard #2.

"Why are our names Guard #1 and Guard #2?"

"I believe that was just laziness."

"You guys are funny! Say more words!" said Sam.

The guards knelt in front of the 'rock'.

"Oh great talking rock, you are obviously very powerful to have the ability of human speech. Accept these offerings of food." said Guard #1.

Guard #2 smacked him on the head.

"You idiot! Rocks don't eat food!." he said.

"Hey! Are you two coming or what!" yelled an orc from the top of the Gate.

"Sorry! Bye talking rock!" the guards said as they...skipped away.

Frodo sighed. "How come everyone in this world are total idiots?"

"But not me, right?" asked Sam through a mouthful of food.

"Oh no, not you Sam. You are absolutely brilliant." said Frodo.

Sam beamed.

"That was sarcasm." said Frodo.

"What's sarcasm?" asked Sam.

Frodo sighed.

"The Gate is closing!" said Gollum.

Frodo and Sam readied themselves.

"On the count of three." said Frodo.

"One..."

"Screw that I'm running." said Sam, dashing towards the Black Gate.

"Nooo!" cried Gollum, dragging both hobbits back behind a rock.

"What the hell Gollum?! If you didn't want us to go through now, then why did you point it out to us?" asked Frodo.

"That was one of my multiple personalities talking." Smeagol replied.

"Well, how else are we going to get into Mordor?!" asked Frodo.

"We could try to call one of Gandalf's flying eagles." suggested Sam.

"Don't be silly Sam, that would never work." said Frodo.

"There issss another way, a dark way, a ssssecret way." said Gollum.

"Great! Just as long as it doesn't end up leading us to a giant man-eating spider or anything, we should be good to go!" said Frodo, patting Gollum on the back.

"Wait, but why are we just hearing about this now?" asked Sam.

"Massster asssked for the quickessst way into Mordor, and the path to the Black Gate wassss one week shorter dissstance on Google Mapssss." replied Gollum.

"Well, lead the way Gollum!" said Frodo, "The quicker we get this done, the quicker I'll be able to get home and not have to deal with anymore idiots. Well, at least not as many."

"I'm Abraham Lincoln." said Sam.

"Unfortunately, I still have a long way to go." said Frodo, glaring at Sam.

"What does 'unfortunately' mean?" asked Sam.

And Frodo face-palmed.


	20. Cliffs and Carnage

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings.**

Cliffs and Carnage

It was a normal day in Edoras...wait. When is anything ever normal in a parody?

Well, Aragorn and Gimli were the only ones awake in the Golden Hall since it was 4:00 in the morning. They had managed to pull an all nighter and looked as if they were going to doze off in their cereal bowls. Legolas didn't stay up, do to the fact that he wanted his 'beauty sleep'.

Suddenly, the door to the hall was slammed open.

"THE HAPPY COW! THE HAPPY COW IS COMING TO GET ME!" screamed Legolas.

"The what?" asked Gimli.

"THE HAPPY COW!" Legolas wailed.

"What's so scary about a cow?" laughed Aragorn.

"What's NOT scary about a cow? For one thing, they have absolutely no sense of fashion when it comes to choosing colours for their wardrobe. Black and white, what were they thinking?! They would look much better in a shade of magenta." said Legolas.

"But what's so scary about this particular cow?" asked Aragorn.

_Inside Legolas' Mind_

"Playyyyyyyy with meeeeeeeee."

_Outside Legolas' Mind_

"No! I won't play with you!" yelled Legolas.

"Errr, Legolas? What the hell?!" said Aragorn nervously.

"Didn't you hear that?" asked Legolas.

"Legolas, I think we better get you to a therapist." said Gimli.

"Yeah. You've obviously lost your mind." said Aragorn.

Legolas gave a maniacal laugh.

"My name is rap master Z. Z as in...cantaloupe. Purple, meaty cantaloupe, with its chocolaty flavour. Isn't squash just fantastic?"

"Yep, he's insane." said Gimli.

Aragorn chucked a large rock at Legolas' head.

"There! That should take care of it!" said Aragorn proudly.

"Knocking him out with a rock? That'll likely damage his brain even more!" yelled Gimli.

"Silly Gimli. Chucking rocks at peoples' heads is the answer to everything!" said Aragorn.

At this moment, King Theoden entered the hall.

"Greetings friends!" he said.

"We ain't your friends dumbass." retorted Aragorn. Gimli kicked him.

"I...I mean. Hello there, uh...friend." said Aragorn, trying to grin while wincing in pain.

Theoden smiled happily.

"We are going to be the bestest of friends! Want to play Battleship?"

Aragorn was saved from having to play a boardgame with a psycho king by Legolas finally becoming conscious.

"What happened?" groaned Legolas. He spotted Theoden.

"Ahhhhhhh! Man with scary beard!" he wailed, cowering behind a table.

"Legolas, that joke has gotten old." said Gimli.

Legolas frowned. "Crap."

King Theoden stared at Legolas.

"Want to play Barbies?" he asked.

"You're my best friend ever!" yelled Legolas in pure happiness.

"Nah, I'm kidding. Barbies are for sissys." said Theoden.

"I...hate...you." fumed Legolas.

Suddenly, Gandalf apparated into the room.

"Ah! What was that!" screamed Aragorn.

"What was what?" asked Gandalf in confusion.

"That!"

"What?"

"You...you teleported into the room!" yelled Aragorn.

Gandalf patted him on the head.

"It's okay, Aragorn. Insanity comes and goes. Unless you're Pippin of course."

Aragorn slouched in his seat, a confused look on his face.

"Anyway, there is still the matter of the orcs' attacks on Rohan." stated Gandalf.

"Well, I suppose we could defend the city and attack the orcs head on..." said Theoden, suddenly switching into wise, king mode.

"Cool. So, am I finally going to be able to kill things?" asked Aragorn excitedly.

"Hell no! We're not going to attack, that's a stupid idea. We're getting the heck out of here!" replied Theoden.

"What?! How am I supposed to satisfy my thirst for death if I'm running away?!"

"I don't know! Maybe you could, kill a squirrel or something!"

Aragorn pouted.

_Three Days Later_

"...And that is why I only like wearing one sock." finished Gimli.

"Well, that was the most boring thing I've ever heard." said Legolas. He kicked Aragorn, who had dozed off on his horse during Gimli's story.

He woke up with a start.

"What? What do I need to kill?!" yelled Aragorn.

Legolas kicked him again.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

"Sorry, I have issues." said Legolas, grinning smugly.

Aragorn rolled his eyes. "You're stupid."

Eowyn ran up to Aragorn's horse.

"Big brother! I made you soup!" she hollered.

"Big brother?" asked Gimli.

Aragorn threw his hands in the air. "All I did was stay up and wait for Santa Claus with her and she seems to have adopted me as her big brother!"

Legolas sniffed. "That's kind-of sweet."

Aragorn rolled his eyes again and took the soup from Eowyn. He ate a spoonful, and abruptly spit it out.

"Gah! What is IN this?" he yelled.

"Just some river water and old carrots and fish guts!" said Eowyn proudly.

Aragorn vomited onto the grass.

King Theoden was enjoying a nice game of portable checkers when one his guards asked him if they should check up ahead to see if the coast is clear.

"Sure, fine, whatever." said Theoden, too engulfed in his game to care.

The two guards rode about 10 metres ahead and got attacked by wargs. The end.

"Wargs!" yelled the guard playing checkers with Theoden.

"Puppy dogs!" exclaimed Legolas, clapping his hands together in excitement.

"Kill!" screamed Aragorn.

"You're all screwed. I'm gonna go find Eomer." said Gandalf, taking off.

The guard turned to Theoden.

"What should we do my liege? The women and children are helpless against such foes!"

"Screw you!" called Eowyn from the back.

"First, I shall finish my game. Second, my friend Aragorn will fall off a cliff..."

"Kill! Wait...what?!" said Aragorn.

"Thirdly, we do the obvious. Run around in circles and slash our swords and hope we don't get killed."

Eowyn pulled out her new sword.

"Finally, I can get some action time!" she cheered.

"...And Eowyn will lead the villagers the rest of the way to Helms Deep." finished Theoden.

Eowyn's face fell. "You suck."

The men (or, should I say, wimpy children) charged fearfully at their foes. Except for Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn of course.

"Competition time!" cheered Legolas and Gimli.

"Carnage!" screamed Aragorn. He stabbed several wargs and orcs before stopping before one particular orc.

"I use warg attack!" yelled the orc. A warg charged at Aragorn, but had bad coordination and missed entirely, falling off a cliff.

"I use Tom Bombadil attack!" yelled Aragorn.

The orc laughed.

"Honestly? Tom Bombadil attack is like the Magikarp of Middle Earth!"

"I love rhyming!" said Tom, suddenly appearing out of nowhere.

"Argggghhhhh!" screamed the orc, who ran and jumped off a cliff.

"Take my hearing first oh sweet merciful death!" he yelled.

"High-five!" said Aragorn to Tom Bombadil.

"I sing this song, all day long!" sang Tom.

"Okay. Shut up."

Tom disappeared.

The battle was over, and many died thanks to Theoden's stupid orders.

"I won!" cried Theoden, talking about his checker game that he had been playing the entire time.

"Aw, no more things to kill." said Aragorn, disapointed.

"What? You didn't fall off a cliff?" asked Theoden, "You were supposed to! That's what happens in the movie!"

"Wait, he was supposed to do that?" asked Legolas.

"Yep."

"Aragorn! You may have completely altered the events in this quest because of this!" cried Legolas.

"Take a chill pill, Lego. If you want, you could go fall off the cliff." said Aragorn.

Legolas' hands flew to his hair.

"No! Then my precious hair will get ruined!"

"Whatever. I'm hungry. Let's hurry up and get to Helms Deep before I eat Legolas' hair." said Aragorn.

Legolas whimpered and Gimli gave Aragorn a high-five.


	21. Die Fourth-Wall! Die!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord Of The Rings.**

Die Fourth-Wall! Die!

"F is for Friends who do stuff together! U is for You and me! N is for Anywhere at anytime at all! Down here in a forest green!" sang Pippin.

Merry yawned. "How much farther?"

"Don't be hasty now Master Merry. My home lies deep in the forest." Treebeard replied.

Suddenly, Pippin gasped and jumped to the ground.

"Pippin!" shouted Merry, "We don't have time to look for rupees!"

But this time he wasn't looking for rupees. Pippin ran over to a dark figure, whom neither Merry nor Treebeard had noticed, and gave him a hug.

"Slender Man!" said Pippin happily as he hugged the figure.

"What the hell? My name is Lord Voldemort you stupid muggle!" said the figure.

"That's a stupid name." said Pippin.

"What? It was either Voldemort or Tom Riddle." said Voldemort.

Pippin giggled. "Tommy!"

Voldemort was getting really creeped out by now, and started to slowly inch away from the physco hobbit.

"Why you no include Ben?!" screamed Pippin.

Voldemort quickly apparated.

Treebeard scooped up Pippin in his hand and kept him there to make sure he didn't try to escape and delay their journey any longer. Pippin tried to free himself by biting Treebeard's hand. Then, he thought about it and sprinkled salt on the hand to make it taste better.

"How about I tell you a story to pass the time?" asked Treebeard as Pippin continued to chew on his hand.

"Yey! Story time!" cheered the hobbits.

"There used to be female Ents, a long long time ago..."

"Wait, trees have genders?" Merry asked.

"Yes, many plant species have genders." replied Treebeard.

"This story is boring!" whined Pippin.

"Well, why don't you tell us a story Master Peregrin." huffed Treebeard.

Pippin grinned.

"Oh god." said Merry.

"Once upon a time, there was a little sheep. Then the sheep was turned into stew. The end!" said Pippin.

"Wow. That was no where near as strange as his usual stories." said Merry.

"Then the Sandman came and killed everyone with his bazooka and turned the entire world into a ball pit!" continued Pippin.

Merry and Treebeard stared at him.

"Down Merry! Down to where the buffalo are!" yelled Pippin.

Pippin had a giggling fit and started singing.

"Down by the bay, where the watermelon grow, back to my home, I dare not go! For if I do, my mother would say..."

"Pippin, shut up?" guessed Merry.

"Exactly!" said Pippin.

Him and Merry gave each other a high five.

Treebeard stared at them.

"A whale ate my beach ball." said Pippin sadly.

"Okay! Here we are hobbits!" announced Treebeard, dropping Pippin on the forest floor.

"This is your home? What are you a hobo?" asked Merry.

"I'm a tree." said Treebeard, "Where else do I think I'd live?"

"I don't know, but I'm ordering pizza." said Merry, whipping out his Blackberry. Suddenly, Pippin ate his phone.

"Pippin! What the hell?! I was going to order pizza!" yelled Merry.

"Yummy! Pizzas! Ooh! Ooh! We could have breakfast pizzas with yogurt and fruit, then regular pizzas for lunch, extra large pizzas with a thousand toppings including rocks for dinner, and chocolate pizzas for dessert!" said Pippin excitedly.

"Well we can't have pizza now since you just ate my phone." grumbled Merry.

Pippin handed him his Iphone.

"Here you go, Merry!" Pippin said brightly.

Merry turned on Pippin's phone, but there was no signal.

"Crap! There's no signal!" said Merry.

"I can fix that!" said Pippin. He grabbed the phone from Merry and started smashing it on the ground.

"Pippin!" yelled Merry as Pippin held up the jumble of wires.

A confused look crossed Pippin's face. "That's weird, it always worked before."

"Yeah, tell that to your thousands of other broken phones." said Merry sarcastically.

"I know! Let's go capture a leprechaun and force it to fix my phone!" said Pippin.

"No thanks. I'm not on good terms with leprechauns at the moment. All because I wanted that bowl of Lucky Charms!" said Merry.

Pippin looked around.

"Hey! Where did Treebeard go?"

_Somewhere in the forest_

"I'm free! I'm free! I'm sodium free!" shouted Treebeard happily.

_Back with the hobbits_

"Whatever, I'm thirsty." said Merry.

Pippin ran over to a nearby spring.

"I found a liquid!" he exclaimed before drinking enough of it to drown a village.

"Good job Pippin! You finally passed Kindergarten science!" said Merry.

Pippin stood up.

"Hey, Merry?! Have you always been that small?" asked Pippin.

"What are you talking about...woah!" shouted Merry.

Pippin had grown at least a foot taller than Merry in less than a second. Seriously, what the hell?

Pippin looked around.

"Merry! The world is shrinking!" exclaimed Pippin.

"Well, I guess the water didn't increase the size of your brain." said Merry.

Pippin gasped. "We should have a giant battle!" He grabbed Merry and forced him to drink the water. Merry came up spluttering.

"Ugh! That water tastes horrible! Like sulphur and old cranberry muffins!"

"Well, no wonder." said a voice behind them.

The hobbits turned around. "Treebeard!"

Treebeard stared at them. "That's my toilet."

Merry vomited on the ground and Pippin randomly got bitten by a squirrel and deflated to his original height.

"Asparagus is yummy." said Pippin happily.

"I thought you didn't like vegetables." said Merry, getting up and wiping his mouth.

"Silly Merry. Asparagus is a dairy alternative." said Pippin.

Treebeard blinked and handed each of the hobbits a small bag.

"Treebeard went out and bought you a present." he said in third person, again.

The two hobbits eagerly ripped open their bag and pulled out a flower-chain.

"Errr, what are these for?" asked Merry uncertainly.

"We Ents are also known as Middle Earth hippies." said Treebeard, putting a flower-chain and purple-tinted glasses on himself and began playing the ukelele.

"Yey!" cheered Pippin, "I always wanted to be a hippo!"

Merry sighed. "I can't wait for Return Of The King."

Pippin and Treebeard gasped.

"Merry! You just broke the fourth-wall!" cried Pippin.

"The fourth-what?"

"Watch out for the watermelon balloons!" shouted Pippin as fruit splattered all over Merry.

"Seriously, what is going on?! Why is everything so random all of a sudden?!" cried Merry.

Suddenly, Dumbledore appeared with a bazooka loaded with fruit balloons.

"Taste lemon, suckers!" he shouted as he shot a lemon balloon at Merry and vanished.

"Ahhh! Sour!" yelled Merry.

Suddenly, a random commentator's voice boomed out of the trees. "Congratulations! You've survived the apocalypse! Have a nice day!"

The three companions looked around. Everything appeared to be back to normal.

"What...what happened?" asked Merry.

"I guess the fourth-wall just couldn't handle that last breach." said Treebeard.

"I like cupcakes!" said Pippin.

"Well, now that that's over...who want's pancakes?!" asked Merry, back to his normal self.

"I do! I do!" shouted Pippin, falling back into Treebeard's toilet.


	22. Sir Faramir The Sissy

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord Of The Rings.**

Sir Faramir The Sissy

"Mr. Frodo! Are we there yet? I wanna go home and watch Toy Story!" whined Sam.

Frodo rolled his eyes.

"We likely won't be back for a while, Sam. Gollum still has to betray us and try to feed us to a giant spider."

Gollum grinned innocently up at the hobbits.

Sam plopped down on the ground and took out a bag of Doritos.

"I'm starving!" he said, finishing off the entire bag, "There's nothing to eat!"

"But you just ate an entire bag of chips!" said Frodo.

Sam looked at Frodo in surprise.

"Mr. Frodo! Doritos are not just chips! They are a feeling, a magical smell of cheese and spices. Doritos are what makes the world go round!" said Sam passionately.

"Yeah, and they also make people act like birds and smack into windows." said Frodo sarcastically.

"Gollum will findssss hobbitssss ssssome food, yessss precioussss we will!" volunteered Gollum, scampering off in search of food.

"While we wait, do you want some Skittles?" asked Sam, holding up a package.

Frodo sighed and took the package.

Gollum quickly returned with a picnic basket.

"Where did you find that?" asked Frodo.

Suddenly, a large brown bear wearing a green hat came lumbering after Gollum.

"Give me back my pic-a-nic basket!" he yelled.

Gollum smiled creepily.

"We'll give you back your picnic bassssket." he said.

The bear stopped. "Really?!"

Gollum quickly swung the basket at the bear's head, sending him flying all the way to Kentucky.

"When wessss are deadssss!" yelled Gollum.

Frodo stared at him.

"Remind me never to give you weapons." he said.

Gollum ignored him and began rummaging through the basket.

"Hmmm, nothing ediblessss, jusssst sssome ice cream, Coke, and pie." said Gollum.

"Did you say PIE?!" asked Sam. He ran over to the basket and began gulping down the pie as if he hadn't eaten in years, while Gollum settled on some Silly Bands that he had found at the bottom of the basket.

"Ugh, Gollum! Don't eat those!" groaned Frodo as Gollum began tearing at the rubber bands.

"Tassste like raw fishessss, yessss preciousssss." hissed Gollum happily.

Suddenly, the ground began to tremor.

"What the..." began Frodo.

"Elephants!" cheered Sam. "I didn't know this was a zoo! I wanna ride on an elephant!"

Frodo looked and saw that, indeed, there was herds of oliphants as well as...the evil ninja people!

"Sam!" hissed Frodo, "It's the evil ninja people!"

"Evil ninja people?!" gasped Sam.

He ran over to Frodo, who was hiding behind a tree.

"Don't make a sound, Mr. Frodo! Their vision is based on smell."

Frodo gave him a 'WTF?' look.

Then an arrow hit the tree next to them.

"Holy crap!" shouted Frodo.

A man who looked like Robin Hood appeared from behind a tree.

"FIRETRUCK! I missed again!" he yelled.

"It's okay sir," said some random soldier, "You just need more practice."

"B-but you KNOW I'm terrified of realtors!" cried Faramir.

"Errr, I didn't say anything about realtors." replied the soldier/ranger...guy.

"Never mind. Pass up the flaming meatballs!" ordered Faramir.

Some of the rangers carried a gigantic barrel of flaming meatballs up to Faramir. He whipped out a slingshot and shot the meatballs at the oliphants and evil ninja people.

"Mwahaha! Taste meatball biscuit!" screamed Faramir. Suddenly he stopped and started crying.

"Er, sir? What's wrong this time?" sighed the ranger.

"I-I got a paper cut!" wailed Faramir.

"What the hell? Is he bi-polar, or just a complete wuss?" whispered Frodo.

Faramir abruptly stopped crying and looked up.

"W-who said that?! S-show yourself or I'll set my pet camel on you!"

Sam ran over to Faramir, who screamed and quickly climbed a tree.

"Wow, you have a pet camel!" said Sam excitedly.

Faramir nodded, "His name is Zebra Zucchini and he has claws, can fly, and likes to eat paint!"

A random ranger rolled his eyes while another face-palmed.

"What issss paint, preciousss? Doesss it tasste good?" hissed Smeagol, crawling out of the bushes.

Faramir gave a shriek and pelted gummy bears at Gollum's head, which Sam ended up eating.

"Yummy! Next throw Skittles!" said Sam.

Faramir nodded.

"TASTE THE RAINBOW!" he yelled as he emptied package after package of Skittles on Sam's head.

Frodo stepped foreward.

"Sorry to interrupt, but could you introduce yourself?" asked Frodo.

Faramir jumped down from the tree, falling flat on his face. He stood back up and looked at the three travellers.

"Greetings, I am Faramir! I like shaving and the colour blue. But not Colgate. Colgate, is an imposter."

Frodo backed away slowly.

"Awww, so you're not Robin Hood?" asked Sam.

Faramir turned to his fellow rangers. "Can someone go to Ikea and get some more meatballs?!"

"Um, sir? You didn't say please." said a ranger.

"Oh no! I forgot my manners! Daddy's gonna kill me!" wailed Faramir.

"Er, sir? Your dad actually thinks you're a sissy BECAUSE you remember your manners." replied a ranger.

"Your dad thinks you're a sissy for a lot of reasons." said another.

"What?! B-but I watched a scary movie before!" said Faramir.

"Yeah, but you started crying at the opening scene." replied a ranger.

"It was hilarious! You cried so hard that you inhaled popcorn up your nose!" laughed another.

"Oh! Oh! Remember the time he went to Disney World and cried when Mickey Mouse gave him a hug?" asked another.

The rangers howled with laughter.

"Stop it! Stop making fun of me!" cried Faramir.

Gollum sneaked up behind Faramir and stole his wallet.

"Gollum!" hissed Frodo, "Put that back!"

Gollum ignored him and started rifling through Faramir's stuff.

"Ha ha! Look at hissss driverssss licensssse photo! Look at hisss emo haircut!" laughed Gollum.

Faramir heard Gollum's laughter and snatched back his wallet.

"Bad puppy dog!" he said.

Gollum stuck out his tongue and crawled over to Frodo.

Faramir opened his wallet.

"What the firetruck? Why is my wallet full of Silly Bands?!"

Gollum gave out a crackly laugh and chugged down a package of Justin Bieber Silly Bands.

"That's it! I'm releasing Fluffy on you!" shouted Faramir.

"Who's Fluffy?" asked Frodo.

"He's a fire-breathing winged panda!" replied Faramir.

"You're insane!" yelled Frodo.

"Oh yeah? Fluffy! Do you think I'm sane?"

...

"See. Fluffy thinks I'm fine."

"Suuurrrreeee." said Frodo.

"So...what brings you guys to where-ever-the-hell-this-is?" asked Faramir.

"Sorry sir," said Sam, "That's confidential Ministry business."

"Oh, okay. Is it alright if I kid-nap you?" asked Faramir.

"Sure thing buddy...wait, what?!" said Sam.

Three rangers quickly shoved the hobbits and Smeagol into gigantic cat carriers before they could run away.

"I'm sorry friends, but I have no choice but to kid-nap you. You see, all of my friends in the past have ended up ditching me because they think I'm crazy, so I have to keep all of my friends captive to prevent this from happening. They think I'm CRAZY?! I'll show them! Mwahahaha!" laughed Faramir maniacally.

"What the hell?" said Frodo.

"I also really like your doggy. Can I keep him?" asked Faramir.

"No." said Frodo.

"Okay! Thank you friend!" said Faramir, hugging the carrier that held Gollum captive.

"What the S**TSESSSS?" hissed Smeagol, pressing himself to the very back of his cage.

"Okay everybody! Move out! Oh, and can somebody please get me a band-aid for my paper cut? I want one with Dora on it!" said Faramir.


	23. Helms Deep and Hair Extensions

**I sincerely apologize for the extremely late update. A bit of writer's block, a trip to New York, and an overload of school work has tipped my lateness over the edge. So, here's your chapter! :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord Of The Rings.**

Helms Deep and Hair Extensions

When they arrived at Helms Deep, Aragorn was considering pulling a prank on the citizens by getting all of the men who had travelled with them to convince the others that he really HAD fallen off the cliff, just to watch everyone cry at his funeral when a girly shriek from Legolas interrupted his thought.

"HE CUT OFF MY HAIR!" cried Legolas while pointing a manicured fingernail at Gimli, who was holding his axe and howling with laughter.

"It...was...only...a...chunk..." said Gimli between laughs.

"IT MESSED UP MY HAIR STYLE!" Legolas screamed.

"Don't worry Legolas," said Aragorn, "Now you have layers!"

"This isn't layers! This is a mess!" sobbed the elf.

"Well, how about I even it out for you..." said Gimli, grinning while lifting up his axe.

Legolas screamed and jumped off his horse, running all the way to the back of the group.

"Seriously? All of the times we've abused his hair and THIS is the one that sets him off?" asked Aragorn as Legolas began frantically searching through his purse for his hair extensions.

"I'll show you! I'll show you all! I'll make you regret that you ever did this to my precious hair! I'll...I'll be a pirate! Yeah! That will teach you!" screeched Legolas hysterically.

Aragorn and Gimli erupted into a fit of laughter as they rode through the gates of Helms Deep. But Aragorn's laughter quickly faded when he saw Eowyn running toward them.

"Oh crap..."

"Hi big brother!" said Eowyn, smiling happily up at him.

"Please, exit my life, and never return." groaned Aragorn.

"How many orcs did you kill? How many?! How many?!" she asked, apparently not hearing his previous comment.

"A lot. Would you like to join them?" said Aragorn.

"That's so cool! I wish Uncle Theo would let me fight orcs." she said, remaining completely oblivious to Aragorn's annoyance with her, and skipped away.

"Uncle Theo?" laughed Gimli.

"Yes?" said King Theoden, who had just come through the gate.

Aragorn and Gimli broke into another fit of giggles that Theoden had actually responded to the name, and the king's confused and worried expression that his niece had called him with a voice of a man.

When Legolas finally entered Helms Deep, Gimli and Aragorn's laughter grew even louder.

Legolas was wearing at least twenty hair extensions to cover up the spot Gimli had chopped off, but it seems that he had run of of blond ones and had replaced them with hot pink, bright blue, red, and even brown ones.

"What's with the hair Legolas? Are you trying to be the next Lady Gaga?" asked Gimli.

Legolas glared at him.

"Maybe I am!" he said defiantly, causing Gimli to fall off his horse in laughter.

Aragorn look around to see that everyone was staring at him, then immediately stopped laughing.

"_I have to keep my swag!"_ he thought.

"H-hey everybody! Er..."

Suddenly, he spots someone in the crowd that looked oddly familiar. Oh crap...

"ARAGORN!" yelled an extremely whiny voice.

Aragorn clutched his head as the person who had spoken, Arwen, stomped over to him.

"You promised that you would take me to Hogsmeade today!" she whined.

"What? Hogsmeade isn't even in this universe!" said Aragorn.

Arwen frowned and pulled out a pair of nunchucks.

"Er, Arwen? What's with the weapons?" asked Aragorn nervously.

"I'm the next karate kid!" said Arwen happily.

"What?!" exclaimed Legolas, "I thought I was!"

"No offence Legolas, but I highly doubt you'd want to mess up your hair by doing karate." Aragorn pointed out.

Legolas' face fell. Not literally though because that would be weird.

"WHO AM I?!" sobbed Legolas dramatically.

Suddenly, a beaver in a purple jumpsuit strolled through the gate.

"It's Justin Bieber!" gasped Arwen.

"That's Justin Bieber?" said Gimli before breaking out into more laughter.

"Quick! Does anyone have a water bottle I can throw?!" asked Aragorn.

"Sometimes, when I'm really happy, I shoot sparkles out of my fingers!" said Legolas randomly.

Everyone stared at him.

Legolas began rocking back and forth on the floor singing the Happy Cow Song in a maniacal voice.

"Er...Gimli? I think we broke Legolas." said Aragorn.

_The Tower of Orthanc, Isengard_

"Sauraman! Do you really think you can invent a blowy-uppy-thingy?" asked Grima while chewing on some Red Vines.

"Of course I do! And it's called a bomb you imbecile!" replied Sauraman.

"Hey Sauraman! What's my favourite way to say 'Red wines' in a German accent?"

Sauraman rolled his eyes. "Red Vines."

Grima's eyes filled up with tears of happiness.

"You DO know me!" he sobbed.

Sauraman muttered the troll song under his breath as he filled a steel bowl with the black power.

"Grima! Get over here!" ordered Sauraman.

Grima hopped clumsily off his stool and carried a candle over to Sauraman.

"What are you doing with that?!" asked Sauraman, horrified.

"I thought you might need some more light sir! So I brought you this, whoops!"

At this moment, Grima tripped over his shoelace and the candle fell into the bowl of black powder.

When the dust cleared, Sauraman and Grima had been blown back against the wall, Sauraman's hair completely black from being covered with soot.

"Hey Sauraman! You look different." said Grima.

"Where am I?" groaned Sauraman, "Do I live here?"

"Want to play Battleship?" asked Grima.

"Sure!" said Sauraman enthusiastically.

An orc lumbered into the tower.

"Sauraman! We're ready for war! How many should we send?"

"A dozen trillion apple sandwiches!" said Sauraman happily.

"Er, sir? I actually mean how many orcs should we send." said the orc.

"What? But what happened to going Vegan?" asked Sauraman sadly.

Another orc ran breathlessly into the tower.

"Sir! We're out of chocolate milk!" cried the orc.

"Oh no! It's the end of the world!" sobbed Sauraman.

"Oh well," said the first orc, "I'll just send all of our troops."

"And don't forget my special hamster army!" said Sauraman, pressing his face up against a cage with one hamster running on a wheel, "I've been training them specially."

The orc rolled his eyes and walked out of the tower.

_Back at Helms Deep_

"Maybe he's possessed." suggested Gimli as Aragorn prodded Legolas with a stick, "I saw it in a movie once."

"What was it called, Ghostbusters?" laughed Aragorn.

"G-g-ghosts? Where?" whimpered Gimli.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you were afraid of ghosts." said Aragorn, "Now I know what to dress up as for Halloween."

"What?! No!" cried Gimli.

"What? I was going to dress up as Chuck Norris." said Aragorn.

"Oh."

"Ghost Chuck Norris!" said Aragorn, causing Gimli to go pale in fear.

"I can't wait to be Queen!" sighed Arwen, "Then I'll hire Justin Bieber to sing to us all the time!"

"What?! Who said that you were going to be Queen?" asked Aragorn.

"My daddy did." Arwen replied, "And if I'm not, Lord Frickin' Elrond is going to make you pay!"

"Wait, his name is Lord Frickin' Elrond?" asked Aragorn.

"Yeah, he had his name changed." said Arwen.

Aragorn laughed and purposely threw his sword at Justin Bieber, killing him immediately.

"ARAGORN!" sobbed Arwen.

"Oops." said Aragorn in fake guilt.

Suddenly, Legolas snapped out of his insanity and stood up.

"I know! I'm gonna be a pop star when I grow up!" he said.

"No you're not! The world doesn't need another one!" said Aragorn.

"YOU'VE CRUSHED MY DREAMS!" sobbed Legolas.

Aragorn put his hands over his ears and muttered, "Get out! Get out! Get out of my head!"

"And fall into Mount Doom instead?" finished Gimli.

"That's what I hope will happen to the actual singers." said Aragorn.

Gimli gave him a high-five.


	24. Tripping On Waffles

**Disclaimer: I do not the Lord Of The Rings**

Tripping On Waffles

Pippin woke up early one morning after a nice dream about talking pet potatoes. He yawned and rubbed his eyes before a delicious smell hit his nose. Literally.

"Cool! Bacon!" said Pippin as a strip of bacon hit his nose.

Suddenly, Merry sat bolt upright in his sleeping bag.

"Did somebody say bacon?!" he asked.

"Yeah, a piece of bacon fell from the sky." said Pippin. He took a bite out of it. "And it tastes amazing!"

"Awww, I want bacon to fall on my face too." whined Merry.

Suddenly, a pig fell from the sky and hit Merry in the face.

"I was never really a fan of bacon." said Treebeard, "I prefer waffles."

"Hey, Merry! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Pippin.

"Yep! Breakfast song time!" cheered Merry.

"Do you like waffles? Yeah we like waffles! Do you like pancakes? Yeah we like pancakes! Do you like..."

"Hobbits! Please shut up!" said Treebeard, "You're interrupting my show!"

He then turned back to his giant T.V. To watch Dora on Treehouse. Get it? TREE house! 'Cause he's a tree!

"When I grow up, I want to be a bunny! And I'm gonna name myself Treehouse!" said Pippin randomly.

"I wonder how the bacon fell from the sky?" said Merry.

"It was probably that blasted Peter Pan!" growled Pippin.

Merry ignored him and pointed to a cloud of smoke to the west.

"Hey! What's that?" he asked.

Pippin gasped.

"Someone must be having a barbecue!" he squealed happily.

"Yes hobbits." said Treebeard, "Isengard is having another barbecue."

"Ooh! Ooh! Can we go pleeeeaaaase?!" begged Pippin.

"No, silly hobbits. Sauraman is allergic to hobbits."

"Really? But I thought the orcs that kidnapped us were trying to take us to him?" said Merry.

"Hmm, maybe it was supposed to be a April Fools day joke!" said Pippin.

"What? Killing Sauraman from an allergic reaction to hobbits?" said Merry.

Pippin looked taken aback.

"Merry! You used the dreaded logic!" he screamed.

"Oh no! We must erase it immediately with acts of randomness and immaturity!" yelled Merry.

Pippin then began hopping around like a bunny while singing "Don't Cha" at the top of his lungs while Merry did the Irish jig while chugging down barrels of root beer.

Treebeard stared at them and started to slowly back away from the crazy hobbits.

"I am Zant! King of the Twilight Realm! And my butt is itchy!" yelled Pippin.

"Shrimp! I like shrimp! Give me shrimp!" screamed Merry.

"Hobbits! Hobbits! Calm down! Uncle Treebeard's going to tell you a story." said the ent.

"Yey! Story time!" the hobbits cheered.

"Okay, um...once there was a little hobbit, just like you." began Treebeard.

"Like meeeee?" asked Pippin.

"No, I was actually talking about Merry."

Pippin pouted and crossed his arms.

"Anyway, this little hobbit was walking along in the woods until..."

Suddenly, Treebeard drifted off to sleep and began snoring loudly.

"Hey Merry! We should go to Sauraman's barbecue and see if he could get us each a pet penguin!" suggested Pippin.

"Okay!" agreed Merry.

"Onward to leprechaun!" yelled Pippin before skipping happily towards Isengard.

Suddenly, the sky went dark and the two hobbits found themselves in an unfamiliar clearing.

"Hey! Who turned off the lights?" asked Merry.

"Mommy! I don't wanna go to bed yet!" whined Pippin.

Then, a pale man with no face dressed in a tuxedo appeared before the hobbits.

"Greetings, I am Slender Man. I heard that you two had mistaken me for Voldemort, so I have brought you into my game to teach you two a lesson." he said menacingly.

"Ooh! A game? Do we get popcorn if we win?" asked Pippin.

Slender Man sighed, "Yes, you can get popcorn. Though I highly doubt you will win my game. I have given you each a flashlight, which will allow you to see and me to find you quicker. Your objective is to collect all eight pages that I have placed throughout the area. If I manage to catch you, well, then it's game over for you."

"Yey! Can we start playing now?" asked Pippin.

"Definitely."

"Can I call you Slendy?"

"Definitely not."

"Awww." whined Pippin.

"Farewell." And with that, Slender Man disappeared.

Pippin and Merry flipped on their flashlights and began hunting around for the eight pages.

"I found one!" yelled Pippin.

"Shhh! Pippin, not so loud!" hissed Merry.

"Hey, it looks like it's a page from his diary! 'Today I ate cabbage..."

Slender Man appeared and snatched the page out of Pippin's hands, replacing it with the proper page, his head glowing pink with embarrassment.

"Oh wait, nevermind, it says 'Look out'. Aw, I liked the first one better." said Pippin.

"Come on Pip, maybe we'll find one over by that truck over there." said Merry.

"Hey Slendy!" called Pippin, "You're name is no longer Slendy! It is Grasshopper! And Grasshopper it shall remain!"

"Hey Pip, I found another page! This one says 'Your face'. I think Slender Man's trolling us right now."

Suddenly, Merry heard a 'duh duh duh daaa!' sound in the distance. A few seconds later he saw Pippin running towards him with a sword in his hand.

"Look Merry! I found the Master Sword!" Pippin said happily.

Then the world started going all staticy and the hobbits saw Slender Man appear right in front of them.

"For Sparta!" screamed Pippin and he charged at Slender Man with the Master Sword in his hand.

Slender Man shrieked (wow, good job Pippin) and teleported away before Pippin could turn him into pork chops.

"No one talks about my second cousin three times removed on my mother's side like that!" yelled Pippin.

"Er, Pippin? The game?" said Merry.

"Squirrel!" screamed Pippin before bursting into giggles.

Merry sighed and dragged his friend over to a nearby building to look for more pages.

"Hey, it looks like a bathroom." said Merry.

Pippin suddenly lept to his feet.

"Really? Yes! I really need to pee." he said, accidentally running into the girl's washroom instead of the guy's.

"Hey Merry!" called Pippin from inside the bathroom.

"What?"

"There's no toilet paper in here! Could you pass me one of those pages?!"

"Wha? No!" said Merry.

"Fine, I guess I'll just have to use this piece of paper...hey! I found another page!"

Pippin ran out of the bathroom a minute later after he found a roll of toilet paper in the other stall and handed the page to Merry.

"Okay, that means, three down and five more to go." said Merry.

"Silly Merry, it's nine down and seven thousand one hundred and seventy-four to go." said Pippin.

Merry rolled his eyes and continued over to a tank, then to a tunnel where he found two more pages.

"Ten more pieces of the triforce left to find!" announced Pippin.

"Er, Pippin? It's called a TRI-force. That means three pieces." corrected Merry.

"But, Grasshopper has the fourth piece of the triforce." said Pippin.

Suddenly, the two hobbits found themselves tripping over something warm and sticky.

"Hey Merry! Look! Waffles!" said Pippin excitedly, taking a huge bite out of one of the syrupy waffles.

"Cool! Let's bring one back for Treebeard!" said Merry.

So, the two lifted one of the giant waffles and dragged it around with them.

"Jingle bells! Slendy smells! We found giant waffles! Three more pages left to find and then we get our popcorn!" sang Pippin.

"Nice song Pippin." said Merry.

"Thanks! It was in monochronic texture." replied Pippin.

Merry stared at him.

"How come you can't pass Kindergarten math, but you can pass eighth grade music?"

Pippin shrugged and took a vanilla milkshake out of his backpack.

"Milky Milkshake! Milky Milkshake. Milky Milkshake Dancing With My Milkshake!" sang Pippin at the top of his lungs.

"Pippin don't! He'll find us!" whispered Merry.

Pippin ignored him and began flicking his flashlight on and off at the sky like a signal.

"Oh Slendy Man! Where are you!" he sang.

"Pippin! No!"

Suddenly, Slender Man appeared directly in front of them.

"Game over for you little hobbits!" he said triumphantly.

Pippin screeched and threw the giant waffle at Slender Man, causing it to fall on top of him and trap him in the sticky syrup.

"Hey!" yelled Slender Man under the waffle, "No fair! The syrup is messing with my teleporting abilities!"

Pippin and Merry ran towards a gate that marked the end of the game's boundaries, Pippin slashing it open with the Master Sword. They then found themselves tumbling out into Fangorn Forest where Treebeard still lay asleep.

"Hey Merry? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Pippin.

"Yep." replied Merry.

"Okay, you find a giant feather and I'll go find a dinosaur!" said Pippin.

"I'm on it captain!" said Merry with a salute.

Then it started raining bacon.

"YEY! BACON!" cheered the hobbits, and they munched on bacon for the rest of the day.

_Isengard_

"Orc #4793!" yelled Sauraman, staring up at the sky, "Why are you using the magical upside-down barbecue?! The wind's blowing all of the food you're cooking out into Fangorn Forest!"

"I'm on strike!" Orc #4793 called.

"And why is that?!"

"You aren't giving us dental! My teeth look horrible!" wailed the orc.

"They're supposed to! You look scarier and more threatening that way!" yelled Sauraman.

"I still want dental!" pouted the orc.

"I want stickers!" yelled a different orc.

"WE WANT STICKERS! WE WANT STICKERS!" yelled the entire army of orcs.

Sauraman face-palmed.

"I hate my life." he sighed.


	25. When Life Gives You Lemons

**Sorry for the (major) delay...again. What? Schools are very bad at spacing out projects over the year, which means I'm getting more and more projects and tests thrown at me at the moment. So, blame my school, not me. Or you blame me for my bad time management. You choose.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings.**

When Life Gives You Lemons...

"Mr. Faramir! I'm hungry!" yelled Sam.

Faramir's head peeked around the corner.

"Again?!" he asked in disbelief.

Sam nodded vigorously, placing the remnants of his last meal on the top of a tall pile of plates, cutlery, and food scraps.

Faramir frowned. "I wasn't aware friends ate so much of your food." But he disappeared anyway to get Sam more food.

Frodo, who had been sitting in the corner petting the ring, spoke up.

"Hey Faramir!" he yelled, "Can I get more coffee? I have to make sure I stay awake long enough to finish polishing the One Ring for the hundredth time!"

Faramir appeared again immediately.

"The what?" he asked.

Frodo gasped and covered his mouth. "The, er, roast chicken."

Faramir furrowed his eyebrows. "Oh, okay!"

He beamed and skipped over to the hobbits. "Want to play a game? We could play checkers for money!"

Sam sniffed. "But, but I wanted to see the Easter Bunny!"

"Really? So do I!" yelled Faramir, clapping his hands like an excited five year old.

"Could we bring ol' Mister Whiskers?" asked Sam.

"And Bessy the cow too?" asked Faramir.

Frodo rolled his eyes. "How about we play 'Spot the Idiot'?"

Faramir clapped his hands again. "That's my favourite game!"

Frodo face-palmed.

"Hey Sam? Want to hear a joke?" asked Faramir.

"Sure." said Sam.

"Knock Knock!" said Faramir.

"Who's there?"

Faramir giggled. "Doctor."

"Doctor who?" asked Sam.

Faramir collapsed into giggles, pounding his fist against the ground as he laughed.

Sam furrowed his brow. "Doctor who?"

Faramir laughed even louder.

Sam slumped against the wall. "I don't get it."

One of the rangers appeared in the doorway.

"Faramir! Your dog bit me!" he squeaked, holding up his hand.

Faramir gasped.

"That's it! We could play 'doctor'!" he said.

"Oh. Was that the answer to your joke?" asked Sam, still hopelessly confused.

Faramir, ignoring Sam, ran over to a box in the corner of the room and got out a bunch of advanced medical supplies.

"I stole these from the Osgiliath Science Lab." he said to no one in particular.

Sam ran over to the ranger and inspected the bite.

"Dr. Faramir! The bite seems very severe! I think we need to cut off his hand!" yelled Sam.

The ranger yanked his hand out of Sam's grasp. "What?!"

"You're right Nurse Sam." said Faramir, pulling out an electric saw, "That might be the only way."

The ranger screamed and ran out of the room. Faramir and Sam collapsed into giggles.

Frodo rolled his eyes and looked to his left, spotting another box. Interested, he popped off the lid and pulled out its contents.

"What the..." he said.

Faramir turned around to look at him.

"What is it Frodo friend...oh my Tolkien!" Faramir screeched. He ran over an knocked the books right out of Frodo's hands.

"What? What's the matter?" asked Sam, peering over Faramir's shoulder. Faramir slapped a hand over Sam's eyes.

"Hey! Who turned out the lights?" asked Sam stupidly.

With his free hand, Faramir picked up the opposing books and chucked then into a near-by incinerator, that he had also stolen from the Osgiliath Science Lab.

"What...what were those books?" asked Frodo.

Faramir glared into the incinerator.

"They were the horrible Twilight Saga." he replied fiercely. "Dad would always force me to read them as a punishment.

He stared off into space.

"You know," he said, "That reminds me off a story..."

"Oh crap." groaned Frodo.

"FLASHBACK SEQUENCE!" yelled Faramir.

_Flashback_

Boromir is standing on a wall in the city of Osgiliath, a crowd of soldiers, including Faramir, below him. He raises a fist in the air, the other clenching a portal gun.

"You know, this victory over the forces of evil made me realize something. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons what the hell am I supposed to do with these?!"

The crowd cheered and clapped in agreement.

"Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Boromir lemons! Do you know who I am?! I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!" finished Boromir.

The crowd went wild. Boromir did a backwards flip off the 15 foot wall on his skateboard and ran over to Faramir.

"Great job big brother!" said Faramir with a grin, "I really liked the part about explosive food. Maybe I should invent explosive meatballs one day..."

Then, Denethor pushed through the crowd and came up to Boromir, carrying a basket of tomatoes. He gave his eldest son a hug, getting tomato juice all over Boromir's new armour.

"Shrimp!" Denethor shrieked in a gravelly voice, "Gimme shrimp!"

Boromir forced a grin. "Hey dad. How's the new job working out for you?"

Denethor sneezed into the sleeve of his ragged robe. "Horrible. I thought being a hobo was going to be a fun job, but all we ever do is sit around a campfire burning boxes and begging for money. Then, if we're hungry enough, we burn the youngest! Tastes mighty fine with pepper if I do say so."

Faramir, who had gotten bored, was now following a butterfly around the battlefield, occasionally tripping over dead orcs, before giving up and wandering back to his dad and brother.

"Anyway," said Denethor, "I lost a bet to this guy at work and I thought, how on Middle-Earth am I going to be able to pay him back, when I heard about this thing called the "One Ring". Apparently it's some ring that does some magic s**t, yadayadayada, but I thought, it just might do. So, I'm recruiting you, my favourite son, to join this 'Fellowship' and bring me back this ring. Got that?"

Faramir stood up straight and saluted Denethor.

"Got it daddy!" he said.

"I wasn't talking to you laddy!" Denethor grumbled, "Now go eat your Lucky Charms before I poison them!"

Faramir sighed. "Dobby is used to death threats sir. Dobby gets them ten times a day at home."

Denethor glared at him and Faramir skipped away.

"And don't forget to eat the cereal part as well! I don't want to come back to find that you're wasting perfectly good processed wheat for crunchy marshmallows!" Denethor yelled after him.

"Well," said Frodo, "I guess we know who you got your insanity from now."

Faramir, after finishing his story, was staring blankly at the wall.

"A lot of people like cake." he said randomly.

Gollum scampered around the corner.

"Did sssomeone sssssay cakesesss?" he asked.

**Sorry for the lack of Gollum in this chapter. But don't worry, he gets the entire next Frodo-Sam-Gollum chapter. **

**Gollum: We betterssss. **


	26. Aragorn Plays Operation

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord Of The Rings.**

Aragorn Plays Operation

"Aragorn! How could you have killed such an inspiring singer! I was going to see him in concert tomorrow!" wailed Arwen.

Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Arwen were sitting around a bonfire, which was using the body of the dead Justin Bieber as fuel.

"Chillax Arwen." said Aragorn, "Look on the bright side! If you die, you can see him in concert every day!"

"DADDY!" screamed Arwen, causing Legolas and Gimli to fall off their chairs and drop their marshmallows into the fire.

"My marshies!" wailed Legolas dramatically.

Suddenly, there was a loud 'pop' and Lord Frickin' Elrond appeared in front of the three travellers and Arwen. Unfortunately, that meant that he was standing on top of the bonfire.

"Frickin' Owwwwwwww!" he screamed, leaping nearly ten feet in the air. He fell to the ground, clutching his burnt foot.

Arwen got up and stormed over to him.

"Daddy! Aragorn killed Justin Bieber! Make him pay!" she demanded.

"Wait...he frickin' killed Justin Bieber?" said Elrond. He immediately jumped up and hugged Aragorn.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" he squealed, "Now I'm frickin' free from wasting my frickin' money on that frickin' idiot's concert tickets!"

"Daddy!" sobbed Arwen, "Bring him back!"

"Hell frickin' no!" Elrond said.

"Hawaiian Punch!" squealed Legolas for no apparent reason.

Arwen stormed over to Aragorn.

"You have to fix him!" she yelled.

"Wha? Arwen, he's dead. By medical terms he cannot be fixed." said Aragorn, "However, thank you for noticing my PhD for medicine."

"What? You don't have a PhD!" laughed Gimli.

"Do too! I had a job as a doctor back in the day. I was the best Operation player that ever lived!" retorted Aragorn.

"Oh sure, what day? Do you mean the day Chris Columbus founded America?" asked Gimli sarcastically.

Aragorn furrowed his brow. "Who's Chris Columbus?"

"Whatever." said Gimli, "So, were you really a doctor?"

"Hell yeah!" replied Aragorn.

"So, then can you teach us some of your medical wisdom 'Doctor' Aragorn?"

"Definitely! See, there's this person here, and their nose over here. I stick their nose back on. Do you know what this makes me? This makes me God!" yelled Aragorn.

"Oh dear, there goes his last shred of sanity." sighed Gimli.

"What do you mean?" asked Arwen.

"SOFT KITTY WARM KITTY LITTLE BALL OF FUR! HAPPY KITTY SLEEPY KITTY PURR PURR PURR!" screamed Aragorn.

"Okay then, come on Arwen. It's time for us to frickin' go." said Elrond hurriedly.

Arwen nodded sulkily and disapperated.

"Oh, and guys! Sauramon's got a frickin' army of ten thousand frickin' orcs to come bring down frickin' Helms Deep! Have fun dying!" yelled Elrond before he disapperated as well.

"Sweet!" yelled Aragorn, coming out of his insanity, "Another battle? Yey! More death!"

"Yey! Now Legolas and I can see who can kill the most orcs!" cheered Gimli.

Legolas crossed his arms. "No way."

"What?! But...why?!"

"Blood is icky. It'll ruin my brand new designer sun hat!"

"What sun hat?" asked Gimli.

"This one!" Legolas said, pulling a large fluffy pink sun hat out of nowhere and placing it on his head.

Aragorn and Gimli looked at each other, then burst out laughing.

"So, do you like it?" asked Legolas, fluffing up the feathers.

"It's...it's as ugly as hell!" laughed Aragorn.

Legolas' face fell.

"You're just jealous because I have a sense of fashion!" he huffed, sending clouds of glitter flying off of his new hat.

Then, King Theoden ran over to them.

"Ooh! Nice hat Legolas! Can I have one too?" he asked eagerly.

"Finally! Some one who understands fashion!" said Legolas happily.

"King T! King T! Uncle Theo! T-man!" yelled Aragorn, jumping up and down and waving his arms, trying to get the King's attention.

"What?!" snapped Theoden.

"Evil wizard man and...and orcs and epic battle coming this way!" he said.

"So?" asked Theoden.

Aragorn stared at him. "I think it will be rated PG-13."

"Aw, only PG-13? For a battle? That sucks..." groaned Gimli.

"Oh well, I guess it's time for battle strategy planning." sighed Theoden, "I WAS going to go to Dairy Queen and get milkshakes for everyone, but I guess that will have to wait."

He pulled a gigantic map out of his pocket and laid it out in front of him.

"Alright so, there's the giant chicken over there, and the washing machine of death over here. I recommend we line our troops along the rock climbing wall, because there's definitely no way the orcs will ever be able to climb up that wall, and have the rest of our army ready with our new shipment of explosive lemon guns at every entrance. Also, I need someone to deliver these liability forms to every citizen, just to cover simple things like funeral arrangements and what colour pony they want to ride into battle. You know, important life-guard stuff."

Aragorn turned to Gimli.

"On a scale of Voldemort to Pinocchio, how nosy are you?" he asked randomly.

Theoden gave Aragorn a 'wtf' look.

Aragorn gave a really high-pitched giggle and ran over to Legolas.

"Lego! Could you trip please? The floor looks like it needs a hug." he said, patting Legolas on the head.

Legolas burst into tears and hug the floor.

"I'm soooo sorry! You poor lonely floor!" he wailed.

Gimli pulled out a bazooka gun.

"King Theoden! Can I use this during the battle?!" he asked aiming it at Theoden's face.

"Where on Middle Earth did you get that?!" Theoden asked, hiding behind a lawn flamingo.

"Hey!" yelled Aragorn, "That damn neighbour stole my pet flamingo!"

He stormed over to Theoden and snatched away the lawn flamingo.

"My precious!" he yelled, petting the flamingo.

King Theoden folded up the map and began to back away slowly.

"Oh my Valar dude, I've got the best idea ever." said Gimli, "Let's play...Spiderman!"

"Gimli! Gimli!" yelled Aragorn.

"What?" asked Gimli.

"Do you believe in..."

"No! I do not believe in ghosts!" Gimli yelled.

Aragorn glared at him.

"I was going to ask you if you believed in fairies, but if you're going to be all Ghirahim about it than FINE!"

"Okay...Well, I guess I'll go deliver these liability forms. Try not to blow anything up." said Theoden, quickly running away from the insane Fellowship members.

"Come back here coward and fight like a chimpanzee!" yelled Gimli.

"And bring me a green tea!" yelled Legolas.

"I have to pee!" yelled Aragorn.

They all stared at each other, then broke down laughing.

"Rhyming is fun!" giggled Legolas.

"Why are we so weird?" asked Gimli.

"Because YOLO!" yelled Aragorn.

"And Oreos!" screamed Legolas.


	27. Treebeard's Disastrous Job Interview

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord Of The Rings**

Treebeard's Disastrous Job Interview

"Treebeard! Where are we going now?!" asked Merry, who was swinging lazily from one of Treebeard's branches.

"Yeah Treebeard! And why are you wearing a tie?" asked Pippin, looking up from an intense game of checkers with himself. Literally. He was playing against a clone of himself.

The Ent straightened his 'Sesame Street' characters tie and glanced up at the hobbits.

"Treebeard has told you two hundred times! Treebeard is going to a job interview!"

"Oh. Okay!" said Pippin cheerfully before turning back to his game to find that Pippin 2 had captured his last checker.

"Damn it! I beat myself at checkers!" cried Pippin.

Pippin 2 grinned at him and munched on the checker he had captured.

"Now you owe me fifty gallons of apple juice." announced Pippin 2 smugly between bites.

Pippin pulled Gandalf's portal gun out of his rucksack and aimed it at Pippin 2.

"Begone foul beast!" Pippin yelled epically. He then shot a portal under Pippin 2 and another on the tower of Orthanc, causing Pippin 2 to fall into the remains of the Orcs' previous barbecue.

Merry sighed.

"That lucky clone." said Merry.

Pippin shoved the Portal gun back into his bag and dusted off his hands.

"That should take care of him!" he said proudly.

Merry rolled his eyes, then gave a very loud shriek.

"Pippin! Zombies!" he screamed, pointing at a group of very stupid looking animated zombies.

Pippin shrugged.

"So?" he asked.

Merry pulled a tin of candy canes out of his pocket.

"I'll give you a candy cane if you go kill those zombies for me." he promised.

Pippin immediately jumped up and went completely 'Jackie Chan' on the zombies, killing all of them in under a minute.

"Okay! Can I have my candy cane now?!" yelled Pippin from the ground.

However, Merry had already stuffed every single last candy cane into his mouth.

"Oops." he said, swallowing the candy canes.

Pippin glared at him and pulled the Portal gun back out of his bag.

"Alright! Alright! I'm sorry!" Merry yelled. He rumaged around in his rucksack and pulled out a chocolate chip muffin.

"There." he said, giving the muffin to Pippin, "You can have this."

Pippin suddenly gasped and slid down onto Treebeard's nose, completely forgetting his muffin.

"Treebeard! I have an awesome story to tell you! Okay, so, one day, I walked into a bakery, and I saw a HUGE muffin, and I was like, 'MUFFIN!', so I ate it really really fast, and I started chocking, and the guy at the counter was like, 'Oh my gosh! You're chocking!', and I was like, 'Ack! Ack!', and he slapped me on the back, and I spit out the muffin, and he was like 'Oh my gosh! Are you okay?', and I looked on the muffin on the ground and yelled, 'MUFFIN!', so I ate it again really fast and he was like, 'Why would you do that?! You were just chocking on it?!' and I was like, 'Ack! Ack!', and he said, 'Wow you're stupid.', and then I lost consciousness, and..."

Suddenly, Treebeard stopped abruptly, causing Pippin to fall off his nose and onto the ground.

"Okay! We're here!" yelled Treebeard.

Pippin groaned.

"Why is the sky purple?" he said in a daze.

Treebeard looked around in confusion at the empty clearing.

"Treebeard is wondering where his fellow Ents are? Come out, come out wherever you are!" Treebeard said.

No other Ents arrived out of the trees.

"Odd," said Treebeard glumly, "Where could they be?"

Pippin got up and glanced at the surrounding forest.

"Hey! We've got soft tacos! Get your fresh microwavable soft tacos here!" he screamed.

Suddenly, several Ents began charging out of the woods.

Pippin grinned.

"Nailed it."

The Ents ran into the clearing in a rush to get to the soft tacos, but stopped when they spotted Treebeard.

"Oh, um, hello there, um, Treebeard." said a willow tree with a very messy beard, "Er, shall we get to the interview then?" he said in an attempt to act professional while eyeing the pile of soft tacos Merry had pulled out of his bag.

"HELLO MR. TREE-THINGY! MY NAME IS PIPPIN AND I LIKE CANDY AND I ALSO LIKE YOUR BEARD!" screamed Pippin at the top of his lungs while Merry was hurriedly eating as many soft tacos as he could before the Ents ate them all.

The Ent ignored Pippin and went on talking to Treebeard as the crowd of Ents finally reached Merry's soft tacos.

"No! My precious!" wailed Merry as the Ents began stealing his soft tacos.

"Brothers!" yelled the willow Ent, "We have to begin the interview!"

The other Ents glumly walked into their positions and away from the tacos, muttering about how they want a lawsuit for not being allowed to finish their food.

Treebeard bent down and scooped up Merry and Pippin before lightly placing them on his head as the interview began.

Pippin, bored already, leisurely glanced at his shoulder.

"Ahhh!" he shrieked, "There's a buggy on me! Oh wait, is that a bee?"

Pippin leaned over and ate the bee right off of his shoulder.

"Numnumnumnum! Hmm, IS this a bee?"

He stuck out his tongue and attempted to stare at it.

"Yep, it's a bee. Yummy!"

With one gulp, Pippin swallowed the bumble bee.

The trees screamed and began to slowly run around in circles.

"He ate a bee! He ate a bee! That's un-ecofriendly!" wailed the Ents.

"Hey! That's what my mom always said whenever I passed gas!" said Pippin proudly.

The Ents doubled over, and some of them began barfing up a mixture of dirt and tree leaves.

"Um, hobbits? Treebeard feels that it might be best if you two find something quiet to do until we finish this interview, okay?" asked Treebeard, glancing nervously at the other Ents.

"OKAY!" Pippin yelled, "WE WILL FIND SOMETHING QUIET TO DO!"

Treebeard winced at Pippin's yelling, but set them down anyways and walked back to the circle of Ents.

Pippin and Merry sat around in boredom for awhile, whistling a duet of 'Funky Town'. Suddenly, Merry stood up.

"I know what we can do!" he said excitedly, pulling out his Ipod touch.

_Meanwhile_

"Therefore, that is why Treebeard feels that he is perfect for the job of..."

"CAN WE PRETEND THAT AIRPLANES IN THE NIGHT SKY ARE LIKE SHOOTING STARS!" screamed Merry and Pippin from the edge of the clearing.

The Ents grumbled and looked up from their meeting.

"HOBBITS!" yelled Treebeard in frustration.

Merry poked his head out of the shadows.

"Treebeard," he said politely, "Could you keep it down? We can hardly hear our music."

Treebeard let out a long roar and stomped over to where Pippin and Merry were hiding.

Pippin and Merry quickly scrambled into the forest before Treebeard could take away Merry's Ipod, laughing at Treebeard's attempts to catch up with them.

"Whew! That was close!" said Merry, switching off his Ipod.

"Yeah." said Pippin, "I'm bored now."

"Me too."agreed Merry, "But let's just say that Treebeard was really lucky that I didn't play 'Friday'."

"I know! Let's play with Google!" suggested Pippin.

"Good idea!"

Merry pulled his laptop out of his bag and clicked on Google Chrome.

"Awww." he said, "I have no internet connection! How on Middle-Earth does Treebeard live with this?!"

Pippin struck a thinking pose.

"Maybe..." he began, "Maybe because Treebeard is so tall that he can get good satellite connection!"

Merry gave Pippin a high-five.

"Good thinking Pip! But, Treebeard told us to stay away until the meeting's over."

Pippin stared at him blankly.

"He did?" he asked. Pippin then glanced over to the clearing, where the Ents were deep in conversation. Suddenly, he jumped up and bolted over to the willow Ent.

"SANTA CLAUS!" he screeched, giving the willow Ent's leg a bear hug.

"Santy! Santy! For Christmas I...I want a bee farm! With a farmer named Tim who has a wife and three kids! His kids are named Jerry, Jerry, and Jerry and his wife is named Jerry also." said Pippin.

The Ent stared at Pippin in bewilderment.

Merry strolled casually into the scene.

"So, are you guys going to about Saramon and the possible fall of Middle-Earth?" he asked.

The Ents stared at him.

"Er, what?" all of them said in unison.

"Wait, you don't know about that?" he asked, "I thought for sure Doctor Who would have told you."

The Ents stared back blankly.

"I want my fuzzy blue blanky!" wailed Pippin in the background.

"Er, we don't know what you are talking about." said the willow Ent.

Merry started to cry.

"What is it?" asked Treebeard.

"It's just so hard. You know?! We're just trying to help our homeland! There's a really bad man, and...and it's just so hard!" sobbed Merry.

"Treebeard!" yelled Pippin impatiently. "I have to go find my clone! He stole my blue blanky and I want it back!"

Treebeard sighed and picked up the two hobbits and placed them on his head.

"Alright hobbit, Treebeard will take you to find your blanky."

Pippin beamed and started to sing.

"I'm a gummy bear! Oh I'm a gummy bear! I'm a..."

"NO MORE SINGING!" screamed Treebeard.

"Okay!" said Pippin, and instead began humming the tune to 'Friday' in Treebeard's ear.

"Owww! My ear! It burns!" wailed Treebeard.

**Pippin's Bonus Song**:

**Pippin**: "I'M PLAYING CHECKERS WITH MY SEL-ELF! I'M PLAYING CHECKERS WITH MYSELF! I'M HUNGRY AND WANT MY BLANKY! OH, I'M PLAYING CHECKERS WITH MYSELF! (Epic tambourine solo) CHEESECAKE!"

**Merry**: "Um...Pippin?"

**Pippin**: "Yeah?"

**Merry**: "About your obsession with cheesecake..."

**Pippin**: "Yep?"

**Merry**: "Well...It's still a better love story than Twilight!"

**Pippin**: "Hells yeah!"

(Epic high-five!)

:) Smiley face


End file.
